Heartbroken....</3

I don't want you, but why do i feel like i need you so much? why does my heart begin to beat 1000 times faster and why do my knees feel like jello when i walk past you? you're smiling. yeah, i remember that smile. something i wish i could have made you do more often. now you smile at her, because of her. you aren't good for me. you're like a drug, the longer i go without you the more i want you.I'm pushing myself to learn how to be me without you. sometimes the days breeze by with only the slightest thought of you, but then there are other days that drag on with my memories of you and what we had. it hurts to walk right past each other like we never had anything at all. like you wasn't once my everything. i guess its true when they say never make someone your everything because when you lose them you have nothing. your love was the only thing i knew was real....well thought i guess. the only real thing i feel now is the sharp edge as it glides across the skin like a snake attacking its prey. i thought i could trust you, but now i trust no one but myself. the pain is real I'm sure of this because i can control it myself. control. i wish i had more. i want to make you miss me the way i miss you. i want to rip your heart to shreds just as you did mine. i want your brain to stay racing in the late hours of the night way to the early hours of the morning with thoughts of me, of us. memories. flashbacks. i want you to lay awake and scream at yourself for not being able to stop caring. i want you to think about how much the future will change now, and how much every plan we ever had will only be just sweet escapes now. i want you to cry over it. cry tears so full of sorrow, sadness, and hurt that you finally cant cry anymore. i want you to run out of tears. i want someone you care so much about to lie to you when you thought everything was true isn't. its just the opposite. i will love you forever, no matter how hurt i am because of you, or no matter how much harm to myself you may cause. in my eyes you are worth it, but none will ever know. my hearts deepest secret is that you will always have every piece of my heart to break, step on, use or shatter just like you have done in the past. i know I'll never be able to get over you, but maybe one day I'll be able to go through a single day without thoughts of you creeping into my mind and tearing all the walls down inside that keep me sane. maybe one day i can accept the fact i don't have you, and be okay with that. but if that day never comes, i promise i will be here forever waiting patiently for you just to break down and realize you need me more than the air you breathe. but if that never happens, i wish you all the happiness in the world. if you cant be with me, i hope whoever she is knows just how amazingly lucky she is and i hope she makes you happy with just the twinkle in her eye. I love you. now. forever. always.