Six months

Its been 6 months.
The longest months of my life.
The shortest months of my life.
Since the day my world was turned upside down.
Since the worst day of my life.
Every day for the last 6 months,
I've thought about that day.
Remembering to forget it.
Reliving the moment of dying.
The memories rush throught my mind
In slow motion.
Silently screaming.
The days fly by
Inch by inch.
The tighter I lock up my heart
The more the hurt seeps in
And out.
The more people offer to help
The lonlier I become.
My heartbeat races
Becoming numb.
I try to reach out
By withdrawing.
Faking a smile
And those two words
Im Fine.
Hating who I am.
Clining to the lonliness
That has become my best friend.
The emptiness that fills the void.
My eyes are opened to what
Isnt there.
Even though I know that what happened was for the best
And part of a bigger plan
Im angry.
I dont want the best.
I just want everything to be
Ok.
Now.
Yesterday.
Tomorrow.
I tear open the wounds
Over and over and over again.
Trying to heal the pain.
Ripping apart my sanity.
Trying to put it back together.
I recite the last words I said.
Have a good day Dad.
I love you.
Best day of his life.
The moment he entered Heaven
Was the moment my life became
Hell on Earth.
But life goes on.
Even after it ends.
Its chaotic stillness.
The seconds.
Minutes.
Hours.
Days.
Of the last 6 months.
Six. months.