Comments : Revelations

  • 13 years ago

    by Ramblings of an ageing Kid

    Well I think it is the 'She' that confused you; I wasn't refering to life here actually - I think I'll have to fix that

  • 13 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    The sky is so dark, and the end is looming

    *I'd change this line to "the sky seems dark, the end is looming" seems to flow better that way to me*

    The thunders seem ruthless for life it's drooling

    *This line was a little confusing. Maybe change "thunders" to "thundering". Not sure about the "it's drooling part" what did you mean by that?*

    The world is devouring on our dreams.

    *take out "on" don't see a reason for it*

    Then along came the sun shining with a smile
    And a giggle you can hear from miles away
    She runs effortlessly, she says the sky is graceful
    She is seeing it differently; I wish her sight is faithful
    I think I will try to sing along
    I'll take a leap of faith into my fears
    And find that there's nothing to fear at all
    Or if I am lost and dead, I'll die with a smile

    *The rest was a lot better. I would work on the first few lines because they didn't flow as well as the last couple did. I understood the ending a lot better. Keep writing. -Nik*