Cancer

Good poem, it speaks of a sad truth. Good wording, flow and length.

5/5

Oh baby girl,

What a gorgeous piece of poetry have you penned here.
I'd like to thank you for the explanation..
After that I read the poem again and was able to understand it properly.

I like the images..
The creativity and the use of words..
How it has this irony to it..you know?...

You are so talented!
I told you I would come around again and here am I..

Stunned.

- xoxo

Good job..i like the poem.i don't smoke..

A lot of scattered thoughts and images here.

First of all the opening line was a lazy image. Even in prose, they often describe what the ashtray looks like, and how filled up it is. In that line, the reader is unsure how many the bus are. You know, sometimes an ashtray could look like an apocalyptic world filled with crumbled concrete. Be imaginative, make an image that speaks an emotion. - the way the ashtray looks could (or not) tell us something about the character you speak of.

Also cigarette buds don't "disintegrate" so better use a different word.

"You know I hate the smoke,"
^ are you sure you need this? This theme itself could be told in the poem without "saying" it, if you know what I mean. Use TONE to say this instead. Or little images of hate, heck, you can even use adjectives that gives a sense of hate around the poem and the reader will get it.

sickness burns itself against lungs? - that doesn't seem right. If you want to talk about dying lungs, you can formulate it better than a mix of words.

There was a poem by plath, where she was subtley ranting about her father while she was plucking out the feathers of a chicken- so the rage is definitely felt without being too obvious.

Try something like that...

because comparing the sickness of lung cancer to a branded calf does not work. There's a lot of element there, not just "burning". A marked calf is a sign of property, a cigarette burning a hole in the lungs does not give the same symbol. Work your metaphors.

The thought in the middle of your poem has drifted away now. It became more of a rant. And like I said earlier, you can show the emotion without making it obvious. Before writing a poem, you must first think of the emotion, and build a poem around it.

"I could not hate the speckle of life,
like a firecracker ready to burst,
that I half created."
^ who half creates a firecracker? Also I cannot see the simile here, it is all too messy and weak.

"More tears fell on our crumpled pages"
^ do not introduce a symbolism this sudden when it is clearly incoherent with other symbolisms in the poem.

You had a branded calf, half created firecrackers, and now crumpled pages... they are all incoherent. Like a film where the cinematography is different from one scene to another.

Suggested readings:
"The Glass" by Sharon Olds
"November 1968" by Adrienne Rich

"a shame, but not ashamed until
the ashen"

I read this over and over, and I love it more and more. Sometimes lines stick out and make the entire poem for you, and this was one of those lines. I also loved the repetition of "I could not hate". I think it worked really well here, and gave such a dramatic position on the poem.

This is sad, but I adore that it can be taken many ways. Of course you could see it as literal cancer, but I see it more as a dissolution of friendship. The ups and downs and the specifics of the fiery ending that results in hurt. This was beautifully crafted.