I guess you come to a point in your life where you realize all your dreams and aspirations are not going to be accomplished by anyone other than yourself. trust in God is hard. Trust is hard. Quitting addictions are hard too. relying on myself is hard. im pretty socially awkward so i think thats part of the reason i want to do all this stuff. make me feel cool, or at least accepted somewhat. i just hate feeling out of place. i feel out of place a lot. i wish i knew how to be normal. and dont even get me started about real relationships. i want to meet someone who understands where im coming from. why sin is so bad. i feel like i go from extreme to extreme, sometimes daily.. but usually in trends throughout the year. its weird. and also a bit depressing. i want to know someone gets it. i feel like i go to this heavy christian, trying to be with God, trying to live for him. and then something twists in my mind, something asks what if, and i go light up a joint or take a drink and its like all down hill from there. to explain it to someone, i said it was like going on a 6 month benge. because when im gone. im gone. or so it feels. its hard for me to feel guilty without praying during this time, so i dont. i feel ashamed. because i feel like a liar and manipulator, when i repent know that im going to do the same thing tomorrow,---scratch that--- plan on doing the same thing tomorrow. in my mind theres going to be a day where its all over. and i am the man that i have wanted to be my whole life. but i always slip back. its been a month and a half now and i havent been sober one day. ha. i tell people i want to be a pastor while im drunk. but i really do. i want to. i want to live for God, die for God. Feel the Love. taste security. i dont know. i guess i just want to find a home. i dont want to go from people to people. go from friendships based on nothing to friendships based on real worth that are let down by my imment relapse into the mindset of sin. when i let go, i let go. to think a mindset can just be switched. but its weird its all just like "f it" if im going to mess up i might as well not give to sh"ts about anything. so i curse a bit more, lie some, back off on my relationships, isolate, cling to new people, act a facade, feel fake inside, yearning for another to be intimate with, yearning for love, shame myself, get high again, shame myself, other sin", other sin, other sin. some of them are getting out of control. i want some peace. AA works. but its that turning day that has made me not go back. that mindset. its like screw it now everyone knows im partying again so i might as well live it out, then feed myself some lies about why im doing what i do when i really am addicted. addicted to the compulsion and the acting out itself. addicted to substance, addicted to the running away and the celebration of coming home. i dont want to be the protocol son 7 more times. but i feel like maybe i feed off of the attention i have always sought after for my whole life. sometimes i feel like im not saved. like im not really believing. or im not really saved, like im B>S>ing everything. i hate how manipulative i am. i want to be loved. i act desperate sometimes. not for physical attention, but for that communication, that comfort, that affirmation. Affirmation, oh boy is that a word that sticks.
please Father God help me find my way, help me have the right intentions, and help me be all you made me to be. Please.
