Elapsed Dreams (Collab)

Umm, wow you two did a great job. It is a great poem. The wording was awesome and it flowed nicely. It is a good length and a fast read. Nice job :)

5/5

Mesmorizing to read. Such pain leaped off the page - but the read was so smooth and delicate. Well done!

It is a little too obvious that two poets wrote this piece separately. The part after "because..." is totally a different poem from the one before. In this case, anyone could easily just skip the first part to read the second, or ignore the second and just end by reading the first.

I'll criticize the first one:

"what seems an eternal day dream"

^ its too telling; how does eternity feel like? Also if you extend that to the second line, "watching..." it then seems like the speaker is eternally *watching* the wrestling match. Since you've already placesd that word, "eternal", as the description. Advice: change eternal, do you even need to describe how the day dream feels like eternity? You can actually show the angst, the frustration without saying it. How? By use of tone, simple imagery of those emotions throughout your poem. Then the reader could get snippets of "frustration, angst" without the author saying "hey, it felt like an eternity"

"attack of ecstasy"
^ too telling. To get away from such trapt, try zooming in the experience. Does the heart feel like escaping? - if you are going to use metaphors, try and make them connect with one another. The technique is by sticking to as few as possible.

If I were to change the first stanza, yet stick with the theme, I'd do it this way:

Inside the (crumbling) prison of a dream,
I listened to the flight of the birds as
my heart dodged from the sound of gunfire.

^ (crumbling) here could be replaced by any adjective that tells old age, prison symbolizes entraptment. Birds is peace, gunfire is disaster. Also the heart dodging, is an imagery of suspense - attack of ecstacy.

Also, in that stanza, you can clearly see an image. You see the speaker, you feel the suspense.

That lacks in the first part of your poem. That's why I suggest you rethink it thoroughly and make it careful.

"like a broken faucet dripping repeatedly."
^ I can't see this image fitting to that of blood. It seems cartoonish.

"like an elevator arriving from my heart"
^ this is just impossible to imagine. Yes, I know what you're trying to say. But the imagery is just impossible. You must make them coherent.

Also, if you are writing a narrative poem, it is best to not have stanzas. That will make the reader continue reading, instead of a bunch of stanzas as if the reader keeps flipping pages without much events happening.

The narration is that of a book, which lacks the poetic element of welcoming the reader in the poem. In other words, its too telling. Like I'm just watching a comic book without thought bubbles or dialogues. And yes, I can "try" and connect with the poem, like most readers in this site, by putting my own interpretation in a single drawing, but that's not how you'd want to have your poem.

Here's my twocents for now, Joe. I do hope you're not disheartened, a good poem is hardwork and must never be rushed. Good luck. :)

I read this too quickly yesterday and promised Rebea I would let it digest This reflects the times we are in and is written beautifully even though the reality is bitter

This is very Good and rings with truth! Well done!