Comments : I want to go home.

  • 13 years ago

    by Britt

    So structure wise, I would work on it something like this:

    I want to go home
    my mom is calling
    the precious being
    in outset of solemnity,
    let me astray from your tongue of lies
    as paltry as your affections
    I want to go home,
    my mom is calling.

    In the pot for me,
    I hear the cry of her golden heart
    with new wonders to explore.
    Let me astray from your sophisticated deceit,
    from your stinking peril wounds like a skank
    I want to go home.

    There's a diamond-fish in silver plate
    with no one to talk to.
    Let me astray from you
    daughter of the devil.
    thy strength of my feelings
    fails to bond with your wires.

    Thou shall be shocked to death
    I want to go home,
    mine heart-sore has broken
    it’s spilling love,
    thee by it I cant bare,
    with it’s heads and tails
    with my mom I would share.

    By breaking the lines up, it adds so much emphasis on each line and separates the words much more effectively. By breaking it up into stanzas, it makes it easier for the reader to delve into the poem, instead of seeing one big paragraph. Generally speaking most readers skip over a poem that isn't visibly inviting. I hope this helps :)

  • 13 years ago

    by vincent luvuka

    Thanks much britty-full

  • 13 years ago

    by vincent luvuka

    Thanks much britty-full