Wow, I loved the rhythm of this piece and the message. It clearly came across as something I would have heard set to some music by Metallica.
In my opinion you would do this piece great justice to break it up a bit and not have it read like a story. It would make for a longer poem visually, but I think it would be more aesthetically pleasing.
I really enjoyed the message and overall write of the poem. I noticed you are new to P&Q and just wanted to welcome you aboard.
This poem is definitely worthy of a nomination as a fresh new read. It was a delight to read something different from the norm. I hope others feel the same.

Take Care,
Kay

Your way of saying things has such an esay flow to them, like if there was a slow beat behind the words. Great job. :)