Comments : Beneath the Dome

  • 13 years ago

    by Narphangu

    Eco club camping trip?! OMG, that sounds like fun!

    I like the first and second stanzas the best, here. Although I generally don't like rhyming poems, the meter and the line breaks made the rhyme almost natural. There's a great flow, especially, to "Underneath the dome of crystals that shimmer in the sky we sit among the clouds as the night wind gives a sigh".
    I actually liked that "Dome" was capitalized, I think it shows an interesting style choice, and it emphasizes a good word choice.

    I do have a few critiques for that section (and you're welcome to listen to them or completely ignore them... I recognize that this piece is stylized, so I understand if you want to leave it as it is).
    First of all, I think it's a bit strange that the title is "Beneath the Dome" and the poem starts, "Underneath the Dome" (even though you used the title later in the piece). The immediate effect to a reader (and the poem's opening is one of the most important things) seems like you weren't sure which was a better word to use, and since your title (which is basically the first line of the poem) isn't REALLY the first line of the poem, I was a bit thrown off by what you were trying to accomplish. It almost looks like you didn't proof read it, and meant to switch one or the other to match? I'm not sure. But I think, if nothing else, they should match. Better yet, since it would seem a bit silly to say "Beneath the Dome" three times in the poem, you could find a different title.
    My other note was about the two sentences in the first stanza... Wait... there are three! Why are there so many?! Lol. The sentence makes more grammatical sense (and has a smoother feel) if it's "Underneath the Dome of crystals that shimmer in the sky, we sit among the clouds as the night wind gives a sigh." You have an opening for description around the clouds, too. You don't have to use it, but I don't think it would detract from the poem at all.
    In the second stanza, my only suggestion is to change the line "chills race down our spines" because (to me, at least) it's a bit overdone. Can you think of a different way to say the same thing? Maybe the chills caresse your spines? Or "icy fingers trace our spines"? I don't know, but I think it could be elaborated. I very much like the lines, "the moon a silver crescent, atop this mountain high" for the description, the inverted wordplay, and the fact that it accomplishes both a visual and a location all in one. :)
    For the third stanza, I think the rhyme is a bit quaint, personally. "All tight" reads like you were trying to fit the meter, but neither the rhyme nor the meaning is very interesting. I see that you were trying to rhyme with "night" later on, but I'm pretty sure you of all people can think of another option. :)
    In the last stanza, the capitalization of "Lunar" made me wonder if there was a greater meaning to the word. Instead, it seems that every line is capitalized! It's fine if you want to do that for style's sake, but usually, when I see poems where all lines are capitalized, I try to read down the list of first letters, hoping to see something spelled out like an acrostic. When I come up empty handed I always sort of sigh to myself and think, "why would they do that?" To me, it's a bit strange, but lots of very good poets do it, so, if that's your angle then that's okay, I suppose, too. :)

    So, wow. That's a lot of critique. :/ Hopefully you take from this whatever you'd like to work on and have fun with it. :) I did get some very nice visuals thoughout this piece, so don't be too discouraged!
    Happy writing!