Learning From My Past

As days pass slowly
And weeks creep by
I'm find myself obsessing
Over ways that I could die

I lay awake at night
Thinking of my pain
There's no way it can get better
I have nothing left to gain

Suddenly thoughts of death
Are controlling my every move
And every battle with my mind
I always seem to lose

I no longer want to be around
The people that I love
All that I can think about
Is what's waiting up above

I cut my arms with razor blades
To dull the pain inside
But that can only last so long
I don't want to be alive

I manage to keep my composure
When people are around
They wouldn't understand me
So I don't make a sound

I smile when I have to
I break down when I don't
I know I should be strong
But I also know I wont

So I make a plan to take some pills
It shouldn't take too long
I write out notes for all my friends
To read when I am gone

I ask my mom to understand
That life is just too hard
My mind can't fight it anymore
My heart is far too scarred

I plan it out so perfectly
I even set the date
I'm pretty sure I'm ready
I know this is my fate

My bed is made up neatly
As I take them one by one
I start to get a little scared
I know I'm almost done

All that I can think about
Is how I'm letting go
And how much I love my family
I really hope they know

My eyes are getting heavy
My body feels so weak
Everything inside is numb
That's the way it has be

I'm glad that mom's not here right now
To watch me slowly die
But still I wish that I could say
I love you and goodbye

I give into the darkness
I slowly slip away
I hope I go to heaven
Where dark night turns to day

I wake up in confusion
I don't know where I am
Is this heaven, or is it hell
The land of the eternally damned

There are people all around
Although I can barley see
I can hear the soothing voices
Of people dear to me

My family and friends are here
Comforting one and other
I can hardly make out any words
Until I hear my mother

She's saying that she doesn't think
She'd ever learn to cope
If I were to just leave her now
I feel like such a dope

Each tear she cries feels like a knife
Stabbing at my soul
I let my pain and suffering
Blind me from my goal

At one point I was determined
To make it through this test
To lead a life of fulfillment
And do my very best

But I somehow lost all sight of that
I hope she can forgive
I promise that I will not waste
My second chance to live

I sit up in my hospital bed
Tears streaming down my cheeks
My mother rushes over crying
Like she hasn't seen me in weeks

I tell her that I'm sorry
For causing her so much strife
I tell her that I will succeed
In leading a better life

Together we figured out a way
For me to get some help
I know that I can go to her
Instead of doing it by myself

Depression can consume you
If you don't take control
You have to let some people in
And let love play an important role

Life can hand you problems
And life can bring you pain
But why stop searching for the sun
Just because there's a little rain

I realize that it's not over yet
It's a long road up ahead
But I appreciate the little things
Because I could be dead

I've learned to live each passing day
As if it were my last
I look forward to the future
And I'm learning from my past