I'm going all out here because in all honesty I just don't care anymore. I fell in love with him. I won't lie. I fell hard and I fell fast. I gave him everything I could and more just to make him stay. And for a while things were good. Then just like always when I'm happy, I messed everything up and let him go. I ran from the feeling of being okay because for me being okay has always meant pain is just around the corner. And he never gave up on me and he fought for me, and I believed it was okay to trust him and love him. That this time would be different. I let him into my world and gave him my heart. And he destroyed it. Changed his mind based on something someone said about us not being right. He walked away. And for the last year I've been his puppet. I was always there when he was drunk and looking for a someone to hangout with, there when he was fighting with people and needed someone to talk to. I was everything I said I wouldn't be; his back up plan when someone else wouldn't give him what he wanted. I admit to being stupid, and letting him do it, but when you are that close to someone and have been for as long as you've known them you can't just let go. And I fought like hell to keep him. And now, just when I finally have the strength to let him go; finally find someone who cares just as much as I do; finally stop crying myself to sleep wishing he was mine again, he decides he still cares and still wants me to be there like I used to be. I don't want to ruin everything I've spent so long trying to fix. I just finished putting my heart back together and finding someone who's willing to keep it safe regardless of how terrified I am to give him it. But what am I supposed to do when my broken heart still craves him, my first love, when my lips still remember his kiss, and every part of me still craves his touch. I know damn well it wont become anything more then what it was before. But hearing him say he cares and that he wants us to stay what his view of us is, makes me want to fight all over again. I have two paths in front of me, one that leads me right back to where I started and nowheres at the same time, and one that leads to a future that could fix me and heal my scars. Problem is I don't know which one to take because my heart craves the old and familiar path, while my head tells me I deserve the possibilities of the new. What the hell am I supposed to do and why the hell does it have to hurt so much?
