Well, I'll start with what's positive in here:

There are some raw emotions here. They tell some things..

Negatives:

Honestly, I'd like to see some creativeness from you. If you could structure this better, it would come handy. Also, try to use some new vocab, not overused, simple, cliched vocabs that don't but weakens your emotions.
Maybe a thesaurus would help.

You know why?
Because one needs to improve, and without a harsh comment, this wouldn't happen.
Please don't take this personal, I'd really love to see someone who's working hard, someone with potentials, from our club, writes awesomely :)

Some images here and there would also be effective.

Think, get inspired, and write. :)

I hope you take what I said into consideration.
The next poem, I'll check it, and see if you have considered everything, and I'm there to help you.

PM me if you'd like to.

Your friend that wants you to be the best,
Abed :)

Abed is a good critic, pointing out little things that could help.

I loved this in the fact it was very touching. It sang of sorrow, and clung to love. Touch it up, and I will nominate it cause you have a winner here.

Connie