I begin to wonder

As I see my life beginning to spiral out of control I begin to wonder,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I did not mess it up,

I begin to wonder how my life would have turned out if I never got kicked out of college the first time,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I never met my girlfriend,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I never chose to work hard to get receive a near perfect g.p.a. to get back into school,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I followed my head coach from the beginning to another university,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I did not get fired from my high paying job when I was 19,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I did not dip at the finish line in prelims and pull my hamstring,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I was never so competitive and listened to the doctors sat out the entire season,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I never ran that last flying 60 meter dash at practice that one cold afternoon,

I begin to wonder how my life would have been if I would have passed my Spanish class and would have not been kicked out of school for the second time,

I begin to wonder how many Olympic medals I would have won if I were still able to run again,

I begin to wonder am I really a good person,

I begin to wonder does my present girl friend even find me attractive,

I begin to wonder the real reason we do not make love,

I begin to wonder why she does not hug me,

I begin to wonder why she does not kiss me,

I begin to wonder why she never calls me,

I begin to wonder is she cheating on me,

I begin to wonder why am I still here,

I begin to wonder did I truly let my family down,

I begin to wonder am I a burden,

Then finally I begin to wonder what my face would look like with a bullet through it,

I begin to wonder how my neck would feel with a rope tied around it,

I begin to wonder that I would love to feel the pain of death again,

I begin to wonder if I locked myself in somewhere secret and bleed out how glorious that would be,

I begin to wonder if Heaven or Hell is real,

I begin to wonder why I even care anymore,

I begin to wonder that I will never live up to be like my brother,

I begin to wonder, I begin to wonder

I begin to wonder that I am not fit for this world,