Comments : Withdrawn.

  • 13 years ago

    by BlueEyedMystery

    Your hands are gone.
    ^
    Wow. Interesting way to start off a poem. :]

    I look at my own and I am disgusted,
    repulsed, for I wish there could be holes
    straight through my veins.
    ^
    I really like how you used the words disgusted and repulsed. It really gives me a powerful image. "I wish there could be holes straight through my veins." <-- I always think of self injury when I see lines like these, but that's only because that was my life for about five years. But it could also be other things like suicide. But either way, I love how you said it.

    What life is worth following through
    when you can't even feel the pulse
    beneath the skin....
    ^
    Ooooh. Love this. I get the feeling of numbness in these lines. I'm going through this right now... so I can really relate to those words. :]

    Your eyes are gone.
    ^
    First the hands were gone, and now the eyes. I guess this person is disappearing or disintegrating. I like how you tied this line in with the first one though. It keeps the poem "together."

    They could never pierce me without
    my consent, and I would always get
    on the right track by looking at your
    dreams and realizing they were mine
    too.
    ^
    The first line here is awesome. They could never pierce you without your consent, so obviously you let your guard down and let him in. I like the next part too. It's like when you did finally let him in, you realized you both had the same dreams, and he kept you on track in trying to reach them.

    Is this the punishment I receive?
    ^
    I almost get a feeling of resentment here. Like after all you've been through together, he's just gunna hurt you like this? Hmm. Maybe not though. I still like that line.

    I can't help myself if I run to you
    ^
    I can sooo relate to this. You can stop yourself from going back to him, because he's so much part of your life.

    Your ________ gone.
    Your everything now feels like
    my nothing.
    ^
    Very powerful ending. I like the blank you put there. It emphasizes the emptiness you feel of him being gone. "Your everything now feels like my nothing." <-- wow. There could be so many meanings in this last sentence. It could mean that your dreams that you shared with him have been lost. That's what I'm going to interpret it as anyway. :]

    Very nice poem. I enjoyed reading it very much!

    Cayce

  • 13 years ago

    by BlueJay

    My gosh this piece is amazing. You have penned one of the best pieces I've read in a while. I love the use of emotion and the imagery that shows everything yet nothing at the same time (I hope this makes sense.) The word choice feels perfect and I love it. Fabulous piece. 5/5