Comments : How can you sleep?

  • 12 years ago

    by Sunshine

    So sad, filled with emotions and helplessness..questions that i belive we've all asked to ourselves.

    however I believe..no matter how long the night might be, the dawn will break.
    there might come someone..who'd force himself/herself into this unsecured heart and heal it!

    loved it..well done

  • 12 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    How can you sleep
    when your heart feels broke
    and you are filled with pain
    and hurt, the tears just flow

    * Love the question at the beginning. I often wonder how do people sleep with so much pain in their heart, as I can't sleep when I'm hurting. I'd change "broke" to "broken" and "flow" to "flowing" it still rhymes it's just on a slanted rhythm.*

    You sit
    and lay
    in the night
    Nothing but silence
    and your mind

    *This verse was a little confusing to understand but after reading it a few times I got what you were saying. Maybe reword it to read like this

    You sit
    and lie
    in the night,
    nothing but silence
    on your mind.

    Something like that so it flows better and make i a little easier for the reader to understand.*

    No one see's
    the side that is hurt
    to scared to let anyone in

    *You don't need the apostrophe in "sees" and the second "to" in the last line should be "too" *

    It's been that way
    since she was left alone
    to defend her self
    no one ever really liked her

    *That part was sad :( *

    How can she still be
    sweet and kind?

    How can you sleep
    with so much on your mind?

    You'll just lie
    in darkness and silence
    tormented
    by life

    *Like the ending. It makes me wonder more about this girl and what she's been through. Very emotional piece just a few mechanics to look out for. Nice work. -Nik*