Sins of the Flesh

I think I came across your profile maybe two months ago and this was the poem I remember best. When I first read this poem, I immediately saw that you had potential, though losing yourself in the tricky part of poetry: trying to be glamorous. I say that because your diction seemed to be too heavy, full of harsh sounds which makes it hard to read the poem, also littered with adjectives that didn't seem necessary. But now I'm re-reading the poem and I've also read some of your more recent, raw works. Comparing them, I could see the different effects you've created.

The structure here is a bit compact, and the poem is obviously dark. I like the way you start the poem by creating atmosphere, although it's a common tactic to begin a poem by describing something. It puts the reader right in the middle of an unknown scene, since yours is a bit open, not very specific. It's interesting to see that you mixed this line "We must be watchful, the devil is near--" with the rest of the poem, since most people would probably let it stand on its own. I could see the tension fading if you did decide to let it stand on its own, as if it didn't belong. perhaps because this poem seems to be divided in two parts, but actually they perfectly mix together.

"We laid all tangled up in our skin,"
^ I would also like to point this line out, because it truly caught my eye. Very creative, I could see many sides to it. "Our" perhaps indicating sex, which they call sin. Or perhaps it was a much more individual image, being tangled up in ourselves. Not to mention I could clearly imagine our skin being all tangled and wrinkled, perhaps bones sticking out. Definitely my favourite line.

"Alas, Alack! The heat of the devil will be born."
^ Liked this too, the emphasis, the exclamation mark. It doesn't seem like many people on this site know how to use these. o.O Sometimes you'd find them in the oddest situations. And yes, alas and alack are basically the same things, but "alas" sounds much more sadder whereas "alack" sounds like a darker version. It's an extra warning sign, that the poem is changing, and it did. Since you're speaking directly now, instead of describing surroundings (be it nature or some creature).

While I appreciate the directness in the following lines, I wasn't really fond of them:
"So evil above the activities we viewed as innocent."
^ A bit wordy and clumsy. Wouldn't it be better if you showed us, or shaped it with atmosphere, as you did in your previous lines?
"I breathe in brilliant visions of the blessed virgin,"
^ This one is already getting better, and I guess I could forgive your use of the adjective "brilliant" although "blessed virgin" already says it all.
"Exhaling appalling visions of the sinners--"
^ But here, "appalling" along with "brilliant" is way too much information. Here, "sinners" is already enough for the reader to know that you're speaking negatively.

Your ending line was perfect to me:
"Atone! We both know the day shall come."
^ Another twist and emphasis with the exclamation mark. :) I guess this line really makes the circle complete. To me, the rest of the poem seemed like loose pondering/doubting/plotting and this last line tells us to stop dreaming and start listening instead of just hearing.

Well written, I look forward to more.