Email to mom 1/4/2012

How can i rehash something that I have only talked about to you. how can i ever let go that he told me to go kill myself years ago. yeah it was years ago but who cares. it still hurts. you know why? because he never apologizes for anything that he has done. all that happens is that you tell me hes sorry. I'm sorry but i am honestly sick to my stomach that you fight all of his battles. i fight my own and I'm okay with that. but just because you say its okay doesn't make the pain go away. and honestly if he had said sorry today i would know that you put him up to it. he is not man enough to say that he has hurt me or done anything wrong. he cant admit the favoritism he has never apologized for saying that i should go kill myself. and i am not suicidal anymore but every time i think about that i cannot believe that he said that went to bed while i stayed up all night crying and plotting my own suicide and cutting my arms open and my legs and my thighs. thinking that maybe if i create my own pain. so much pain that my pain would be pouring down my arm in a bloody parade and dripping off of my fingertips and onto the floor of my room. and you know what? cutting and watching the blood pour out does not make you forget about your pain it only brought more. anyways after all of these years of him never admitting to his mean actions and you just fighting all of his battles has only made the pain worse. because i know that it will always be this way for the rest of my life. and sometimes being around him makes me realize why i want to move out. i will never marry someone like him. maybe not even marry anyone at all. and i have tried to talk to you normally about this but you just get upset and walk away. like you did tonight. you cant always run away from things that hurt you. you have to face it. maybe you should do what you always tell me. so the reason i am writing you in such descriptive ways tonight is because maybe you will get it this time. maybe you have gotten it all of these times but just refuse to accept it.