Karla,

I am glad you put the note down at the bottom of the poem for a bit of history about the war

Your poem is so well written and so true that parts of it could relate to any war or destruction.

Very descriptive and the violent images I can see clearly.

He feeds his demons daily
as the blind balance weighs the disaster:
123 lie in the Darwin cemitery,
350 committed suicide exiled on white and blue soil,
and the rest was shunned and branded as failures.
Nobody saw they were 18-19 years old
when they were invited to conquer paradise.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The figures here are daunting but I really love the way it adds more truth to the poem. It makes us connect to the poem more.

He would like to have been an Art teacher,
maybe he could have married a girl called Guadalupe
but he was buried alive.
He is sleeping in that cemitery with the other lambs.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This was probably for me the most heartbreaking and one that would relate to the title very much. The fact that these heroes could have had a life after... it is sad that they are forgotten. They sacrifice so much!!!

A really awesome tribute Karla

x

Thanks for sharing such an amazing poem. i really liked how you portrayed the hopes of the soldier if he hadnt gone to war. Great work.

He would like to have been an Art teacher,
maybe he could have married a girl called Guadalupe
but he was buried alive.
He is sleeping in that cemitery with the other lambs.

'cemitery' should be 'cemetery'

^ I don't know why I didn't comment on this, I thought I did........................ and this stanza is BRILLIANT... It's like a lifetime summarized within those lines. It sounds, reads and paints perfect poetry.

I love the subject matter you have chosen, and your word choices are above average for this site.

Now for the critique:

"the road to hell was paved
with good intentions."

That's a very cliche line.

"It was as if he was living inside Picasso's Guernica
when the explosions baptized his life,
sprinkling his eyes with death, scattering pieces of his heart
on that holy ground.
(It was so early to be immolated)"

This is my favorite stanza. I love the "Guernica" reference. However, I would change "holy ground" to "unholy ground." Also, "early" should be "easy".

After this stanza, the poem starts to get a little too wordy. I rewrote it with less words to try to make it more forceful. Feel free to use or disregard these suggestions:

He feeds his demons daily,
as the blind balance weighs the disaster:
one hundred twenty-three lying dead in Darwin,
three hundred and fifty more-- exiled on white and blue soil.

He wanted to be an art teacher one day--
marry a girl called Guadalupe;
but he was buried alive in that wind-swept hellhole,
...and no one will remember his name.

Really good im very lucky to have read this great poem