The Story of my First Love

***I WROTE THIS POEM IN AUGUST OF 2009, I POSTED IT HERE BUT DELETED IT SOON AFTER. I DECIDED, NEARLY 3 YEARS ON, TO REPOST IT AS ITS A NICE MEMORY, RATHER THAN SAD. I LOOK BACK AND SMILE.***

I promise - A love story. (Not a poem, just the truth)

In no way is this intended to be poetry
just a statement,
maybe and unseen love letter.
But mainly the truth.
And theres no doubt,
I will Shed more than a few tears.
I feel them preparing to fall.

My Story;
One, probably, not unique in itself.
But unique to my life,defiantly

At first, i was innocent.
I had just arrived in a place,
like utopia to me.
Sun. Sea. Sand.Sunbathing.Swimming.
What more could a teenage girl ask for?

Thats when i noticed, him.

Straight away,i knew.
There was a fatal attraction.
An uncontrollable force.
For a few days i just stared at him,
whenever i could.
Tried to stare right into him.
Until that one night.

I approached you, at your small jewelery stall,
in my tipsy state.
But i was fully aware of what i would do.
I made it look like i was interested in a necklace
eagerly awaiting to hear your voice
Then a gentle "Can i help?".
I turned to face you, and you smiled at me
I returned the smile back at you
and admitted
"I think your really sexy!"
Then walked away as you smiled and laughed.

From that night forward,
you knew when i was around.
We held small eye to eye stares
for what felt like forever,
but never seemed to last long enough
We would always smile at each other
as i walked past you.
All these little flirtatious signs

Remember that day, around 6pm
I had just come to give my towels back,
at the little hut, near your stall.
I saw you over there, talking with the "towel guy".
My felt my heart beat speed up as i approached you.
Then looked straight into your eyes,
as i handed you my towels,
and made sure our hands touched
in the brief few seconds they could.
I blew you a kiss as i walked away
and kept turning my head back
to remain in eye contact with you
for as long as i could.

I'm not in love, i promise.

Just a few days after,
I knew i wanted to talk to you,
straight up, just you and me.
I was fed up of the smiles and stares
never evolving into anything else.
So one night, my parents had left me by myself,
and gone to bed.
I knew what i would do.
A plan set fresh in mind i got a drink,
and took upon a seat
making sure it was opposite your stall.
So i could stare at you.
All night if i wanted to.

I made it look like i was upset,
and kept my head down.
until you walked past me,
brushing your hand across my cheek as you went by.
For the next few minutes,
i felt as i was in a daze.
Then dropped my head again..

In not in love, I promise...

When i looked back up, a few minutes later
You were there, standing next to my chair.
Inside i screamed.
My plan had worked.
You asked me what was wrong,
and i replied that i was fine.
"I like you" i said and giggled,
then turned my head to face the ground.
"I like you to" you replied
and i looked up at you.
Then, i store deep into your eyes
for the first time, it lasted more than just a few seconds.
You store back into mine
and said "You have beautiful eyes."
I admitted "I was just thinking the same thing"
because you know i think your eyes are truly amazing.
We laughed, but smiled at each other still..

I'm not in love, I promise...

When you told me you had to close your stall,
because it was already quarter past 12 at night,
i knew that it was then or not at all.
"Can i have a kiss before you go?"
I cheekily asked, gazing up at you.
When you replied "Yes", my heart jumped.

Within a few minutes we shared our first kiss,
around the back of your stall
away from the security
next to that tall palm tree...

As our lips touched,
i wished it would never come to an end.
When it did, another cheeky laugh was exchanged
before saying goodnight.
When i was walking away from you,
I truly thought i was dreaming...

I'm not in love, I promise...

The night after i remember coming over to apologize
"Sorry i stare at you so much,
It must make you feel kind of awkward,
i just cant help myself" I said.
You laughed, smiled, and said that you didn't mind.
You said i should come and talk to you every night
When my parents have gone to bed and I'm alone.
Then again, another stare.
"Your eyes are really amazing" i said to you.
You said back to me,
"My eyes are just normal eyes, yours are amazing."
I giggled,
Then replied
"Well thats where we differ,
You have Egyptian eyes, which your used to,
so you think they are normal.
But i think they are amazing.
I have British eyes, so its the same thing reversed."
We both laughed.
I said that I'd better go, and leave you to pack up.
Then, you asked me for another kiss.
I think my heart might have skipped a beat.
You wanted another kiss.
Your wanted me.

I'm not in love, I Promise...

After that,
i did come and see you every night,
after the show at 11.
We would talk for ages,
until the security had to tell you to close already.
Some nights, we would share another, amazing, kiss.
Other nights we wouldn't.
But we both knew we wanted to kiss.
But it was the security stopping us.
Remember how we just wanted to shoot them most of the time?
That brings a smile to my face.
But to be honest,
Some nights i longed for more than just a kiss.
I just never dared to.

I'm not in love....I promise....

But i knew, deep down
that soon i would have to leave you,
habibe. [Arabic word meaning 'My Love']
The time was moving to fast.
I just tried not to think about that day,
and make the most of the time we had left.
It would never have been long enough though.
Remember the Sunday before i left.
I was left alone all day, because my mum fell ill.
I was with you at your stall all day.
We just talked and talked, for well over 5 hours.
People had noticed by now
that there was something going on between us.
That we had a thing going on.
Whenever they stared over at us,
we would look back and go
"WHAT!?"
and then just laugh with each other,
as they turned there heads away.

Remember...
"Nothing special going on here!
Just two people.
Together.
Here.
Kissing.
Nothing to see here."

I'm not in love.... i promise....

On our last night, the following Monday it was.
We talked like usual,
and got your cleaner friend to take pictures
of me wrapped in your arms.
In our eyes, you could see our happiness.
I felt so complete.

I'm not in love.....

Then it came.
Our last few hours together.
I remember my favorite moment with you.
We stood at the top of the ampi theater,
in front of anyone who could see.
You took my hands,
and didn't care who saw,
when you kissed me.
I remember the sheer rush of adrenaline
because you had taken me by surprise.
I thought you would have cared that security would see us.
"F**k security" you said.
But for the time we were kissing up there,
if felt like it was just you and me.
Like there was no one else around,
and nothing else mattered.

I'm not in love....

After, you asked me
if i would come to get food with you.
Time was running low and i had to go away.
But i swore to you..
"I will come back and see you before i go. I promise."

As i turned and walked away,
I saw that there were a group of people
sitting just a few metres away from us!
Of course they had seen us!
A few of them looked at me as i walked past,
and i just returned their stare with a smile.
Because i didn't care.
I wouldn't have cared if the whole world had seen us together.

I'm not.....

And then, came our final last hour or so...
Remember how annoyed we both got
because of that little French boy,
who wouldn't leave us to be alone?
and when he finally did, we were only left with 10 minutes to say goodbye!
Shared another kiss.
And another.
And another.
Shared endless gazes,
that didn't feel awkward like they used to anymore.
I remember your hand on my cheek.
I remember your sweet smell.
We didn't feel the need to hide how we felt anymore
We didn't feel the need to hide from the eyes of everyone.
Because it was just you and me that mattered.

I'm not in love...

Then my dad came over to tell me i had to go.
I felt tears gathering in my eyes
Just like the ones i am gathering now,
because i have to relive the moment in my mind.
I didn't want to let them out,
and show you how upset i was.
I didn't want to admit how much i felt for you.
I remember wanting just one more hug
to feel embraced in you again.
Like that time before
when he hid behind your stall
just so we could hold each other.
I felt safe for that moment.
I didn't want to let you go.

I'm not...

And then, i had to walk away from you.
To be honest, i had never felt the hurt that i felt
with every step i took away from you.
I felt i was being crushed.
Like for every step i took away,
i lost a part of my heart.
You know, the last few minutes i spent with you,
there was a song playing in my mind.
And honestly, just as i took that final step away,
before you were out of my sight completely...
Before i lost that smile.
Those eyes.
The song came to an end.
Want to know what it was?
'How do i live (without you)' by Leanne Rhymes.
If you don't know it, search for it and listen habibe.

I am...

I remember, just as i walked to meet my mum and dad,
who were waiting at reception for me,
I was still trying to hold back my tears.
But my mum knew that i was hurting,
and she gave me the look.
I had to run of into the toilets for a moment
to cry and straighten myself out.
I had to keep composure no matter how hard would be.

I remember, i felt numb.
All the way from the hotel,
until i was sitting there, on the airplane,
on the runway.
Staring out the window.
I remember, just as we lifted of the ground
I whispered to myself
"Goodbye Hoksh, Habibe.
I will never forget you".
And as i stared down at the sparking lights below me,
I knew you were down there. Somewhere.
Were you looking for me habibe?
I was looking for you.

I am in love...

And now its been a whole week.
Its nearly 1pm at the moment,
but when it gets to 4pm,
is when i will break down. again.
Because it will be 6pm where you are habibe.
The time i left you, i walked away.
One week ago.

And to be honest, this last week
has hurt unbearably.
unexplainably.
I cry everyday.
Because without you i feel incomplete.
Theres a missing piece of my life.
A missing piece in my heart.
And no matter how hard i try,
i just cant let go of you.
Mum says i need to. But i cant.
I'm Sorry.

I never meant to fall you,
because i knew that i would hurt myself
by letting that happen.
But darling, you made me.

So now I'm left with all these memories
of you and me.
We send each other texts everyday,
Despite the high cost,
Remind each other how we feel.
That i love you.
That you love me.

But will you wait for me?
Like you said, again and again?
Because, i promise.
I Promise that one day,
I will come back.
Will you be waiting for me?

I'm left staring that that photo, of you and me.
Seeing the feelings we felt for each other in our eyes.

I'm left with that 'Eminem' necklace
that i bought from your stall.
You engraved my name into the back of it,
with a little broken heart underneath.
"Whats the broken heart for?" i asked you.
I understand now, sweety.

I'm left with the bracelet,
that you made for me.
And you gave it to me for free
so i would remember you always.
It sounds silly,
but i love knowing your lips touched it...

I never take them of habibe...

I'm left with your sunglasses,
that i stole from you.
It makes me smile,
when i remember how i nearly begged you
to let me have them!
I always keep them with me...

But i need to keep smiling, just for you.
You always said my smile was pretty.
But when i do smile and think of you,
i just feel sad again,
because i miss you so much.
Thats the problem habibe.

I need you baby.
Your in my dreams each night.
And I'm sad when i wake, and have to leave you,
over and over again.
It hurts so much...

One day habibe.
One day...

I am in love.
I AM in love.
I promise...

*POST SCRIPT UPDATE: IT NEVER DID WORK OUT. GOD TOOK US APART FROM EACHOTHER. AND WE BOTH LEAD COMPLETLY DIFFERENT LIVES NOW. I'M HAPPY, AND I HOPE HE IS ASWELL. I'M HAPPY I WROTE AND KEPT THIS. IT'LL WILL ALWAYS BE A LOVELY MEMORY :) ***