Comments : Confused me

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    I really like this piece.

    Though, there were some parts that I think damage the flow in the first and second stanza.
    I will write my suggestions and if you find any that you feel fit, you are welcome to use them.

    I live in this life but I'm not of it
    Everything I see sees me not
    I try to make me what we want
    But then I know not what I am
    Making it impossible to know what I should want.
    -------------
    ""I try to make me what you want me""
    ""Making it impossible to know what I should be.""

    What Dad wants, however, is clear
    very clear and heavy on my mind,
    burnt into it from my first show of mind
    making my childhood just a blur of no memory.
    He wants me to be not him many years ago.

    --------"He wants me to be not him OF many years ago"
    I'm uncertain whether the OF is better or not.
    And I'm unsure whether the However should have a semicolon in front of it or a comma.

    I don't know what can be made of me
    Not even if I want anything to be made of me
    """Because""' I think that anything made of me is doomed to
    A life of uncertainty and negativity
    The one I think I was born to be.

    ------Over here I think changing the because to since..
    "since I think that anything made of me is doomed to"

    Also I'm not sure if its possible to use other words instead of made of me since its too repetitive in this stanza. AND I"M confused. because perhaps that one needs to stay so it shows that you are confused. lol.

    Then I think in the other stanzas, it will be better if you leave just the capital letters only when its necessary. Because it distracts me when I'm reading. So I wrote your whole poem including my three suggestions and without some capital letters.. What do you think about it?

    I live in this life, but I'm not of it
    Everything I see, sees me not
    I try to make me what you want me
    but then I know not what I am
    making it impossible to know what I should be

    What Dad wants, however, is clear
    very clear and heavy on my mind,
    burnt into it from my first show of mind
    making my childhood just a blur of no memory.
    He wants me to be not him of many years ago.

    Mum is Dad's wife truly
    with snide remarks she tells of her wish for me
    to be like her husband of recent years
    the one that's able to give her whatever she wants
    and buys away her will

    Now, I am me -Confused me
    I know what they want of me
    They've told me what they think will make me be that
    but I am confused me, so confused
    that I, the only thing I know is
    that I am confused.

    I can't even 'know not'
    My nothingness eroding any knowledge I might have
    I am my father's son indeed but not in deeds
    He seems so sure of everything but one thing
    He still thinks that something can be made of me

    I don't know what can be made of me
    not even if I want anything to be made of me
    since I think that anything made of me is doomed to
    a life of uncertainty and negativity
    the one I think I was born to be.

    If you have managed to read these confused words
    I hope you don't think in some ways
    they make sense to me or anyone
    they are only true products of my mind,
    I think or don't I . . .?

  • 12 years ago

    by Tomiladeo Seun

    Senyru,I like the adjustment of `I know not what I am` and looking it over I can see that `made of me` is almost over used.The capital letters are only used to signify the beginning of a new line to show that it is not a run-on line or isn`t that necessary?

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    In my opinion, sometimes it's better when the ideas just connect each other. That's one of the reasons I thought that some parts didn't need to be capitalize.

    For instance,

    I don't know what can be made of me
    not even if I want anything to be made of me
    since I think that anything made of me is doomed to
    a life of uncertainty and negativity
    the one I think I was born to be.

    The reader can just read, and make a small stop at the end of the line. Whenever I see the capital letters, I tend to make a long stop and then I don't read the poem how it should be or rather how I should read it to understand it. That's one of the reason why the capital letters distract me but I can't assure you that it's wrong or right.

  • 12 years ago

    by Tomiladeo Seun

    Ok Everlasting,I understand you better now & I think I will experiment in differing from the usual capitalized lines of poetry.Tanx dear.