Being Big (Prose Poem)

by beapolkadot   Jan 31, 2012


I think in my mind I'll always be little. The image of my own innocence can't easily be replaced. Frozen in pigtails, baby-faced bliss. Running to mom's arms for help. Asking my older cousin for help, to explain to me their interests, their activities. Why did the act the way they did. Leaving behind the dependent stage is hard to do. Not easy to go on with or forget.
And then, Vikki's stomach ballooned, a new cousin in the line.
You took my place in the family. Your soft downy hair pulled up easier in to pigtails. Your blue eyes followed me around the room. Your tiny voice mimicked mine, chiming your bell to my soprano. Gently picking you up and tucking you into bed. Dependence was your face, your safety, the bed sheets you tossed in.
Easily annoyed, I tried to avoid you. I'd hide at the grown-up table. Begging aunts and uncle not to pair me with Emilie one more time or I'd scream. I couldn't take a toddler at my feet, begging for attention. Needing my own attention, I tagged along, grabbing at acknowledgment at every function. Not ready for responsibility. Ready for someone to solve my problems.
You sit by me sometimes, and ask me questions about the world. Never answering, eyes glued to the tween-age device in my hand. "Why's the sky blue?" "Why do you dye your hair?" "Will boys ever like me?" "Why didn't my mom let me live with her?" Prattles posed with big questioning eyes, needing answers to go on.
Taken aback, I met her gaze. Usually the one going to others for help, I was her problem-solver. Her dependence moved to me, her questions pointed at my intelligence. She accepted me as a mature enough to answer questions about her mother and the grown-ups. Part of that mysterious world I once looked up at. The big kid table. The grown-up conversations. Able to attend "grown-up activities."
Without noticing it, I'd escaped my childhood. Asking for my advice, she revealed my own place in the world. The wiser one, with more knowledge than her.
"The sky is blue because the light reflects off of it that way, and blue is the color our eyes sense" "I dye my hair because I like to mix things up, sick of the same pattern, the same color every day." "Of course boys will like you, but don't worry about that. It only matters if you like you" "I don't know why your mom didn't bring you with her, but I'm always here for you".
A tiny smile overtook her sadness. "Love you Jojo" squishing her tiny waist against mine for an awkward thing reminiscent of a hug.
"Love you too kiddo" Patting her messy tendrils back down. I'll help you into this world. When boys break your heart, and all you need is someone to understand why you're upset. When your hair curls the wrong way and you can't leave the house. We'll leave childhood together. Now that I'm almost out.

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