The form could do with a little tidying up, but this little chesthunt has the potential to be a good piece, but I think more content is required. Perhaps you could introduce a character, or persona, who can give more colour and life to the piece? Expand on the "comedy scene" you speak of. Add some metaphors, maybe word play or alliteration...Give it a go =] I'd love to see what you come up with, if you're up to the challenge? =]

Well done

Try to use self confidence and you will what i mean behind this.

Try to use self confidence and you will what i mean behind this.