What I Want?

I need it bad
Something just out of my horizon
Beckoning to me while fleeding.
I see it far off
a tiny minute speck
so indecipherable that it fades out of sight.

My life is lacking it
With such fervor I don`t know what it is
making me go mad and sad making me feel bad.
I want what I know not
D**n! what or who is so elusively precious
rotating my life around an unmapped orbit
seeing me spiralling into gloom.

Is it love or is it school?
Money I am sure it isn`t, or is it?
My heart and brain aren`t at loggerheads
they are just dead to each other
tearing me apart and at the same time making me feel numb.

At once I pace and feel like punching
and then I gaze as sleep slowly befuddles me.
I am lost inside of myself
screaming at myself while shushing me
I am angry, I am sad, I an what I don`t know.

Who will save me?
What do I want?
What will save me?
Who do I want?
I want myself back
A healed me, a free me
a smiling-truly me. I want love,
to love truly and be truly loved.

I want fun, serious fun
devoid of guilt away from work
I want to know my courses as the back of my hand
I want the passion to read but1it just evades me,
slipping out of my trembling fingers
frozen with fear and uncertainty of
me facing this examination.
I want to feel examination fever
not this numbing feeling of waiting for the inevitable.
I want...

It builds slowly and then rushes at m
With bloody outstretched arms
aiming for my life-pipe
Wanting to stop the flow of life into my
Dead soul.
I can`t scream, as if dumb,
I writhe in silent agony
not knowing what ails me but feeling 1
every buffeting symptom of this dreadful disease.

Please help me!
Give me what I want
But what is it that I want?
I want...