There's something about this piece I can't quite put my finger on. I sense depth and power, but there is something jarring it, standing in it's way. I think perhaps it could simply be lines seven and eight that hinder this piece. I read it without those two lines, and to me it comes across far stronger. Possibly it has to do with the seventh line being the shortest, and the following line being the longest, but I think it is it's content.

This was written five years ago so I'm sure you've little interest in what one may say about this piece now, but I just wanted to share my thoughts on it and perhaps aid you for the future, by adding that sometimes a line or two can hinder a good poem.