Comments : U are all i see

  • 12 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    Short sweet love jingle...The only input I can give on this one is to tighten up your syllables a bit

    I've never felt this way before
    It's all brand new to me
    My head is spinning,I can't breathe
    You're all I see.

    ^^^ Your count is 8,6,8 then 4 in the last line...but add 2 more syllables to the last line like this

    I've never felt this way before
    It's all brand new to me
    My head is spinning,I can't breathe
    You're all that I can see.

    Now its 8,6,8,6, and the last line flows with the rest of the lines better...especially important in your rhyming pieces :)

    Keep writing!
    Lostlove~