For your heart..

by Dark   Mar 8, 2012


With love and passion, we will collide..
bearing nothing but happiness inside..
you who is with me in a stormy night..
shall be forever by my side..

the love i have for you is for eternity..
no words no person can tear us apart..

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  • 12 years ago

    by BlueJay

    With love and passion, we will collide..

    ^Interesting start, yet very simple.

    bearing nothing but happiness inside..

    ^Beautiful line, commanding to an extent but great none the less.

    you who is with me in a stormy night..

    ^Something doesn't feel right in the wording here.

    shall be forever by my side..

    ^Fair line. Good emotion. Well expressed.

    the love i have for you is for eternity..

    ^Sweet.

    no words no person can tear us apart..
    ^ no words, not person might make it a little easier to follow. Excellent ending.

    This piece is short and to the point. It quickly makes its point and shows a bit of how you think. It's a simple piece to test the waters of poetry with. Personally, I don't get how its a dark piece, but oh well. It is a pretty good piece. Nothing really screamed out at me as far as mistakes, though it did seem to be missing some sort of "spice" or something to make it unique. Ok well nice piece.

    4/5

    Happy writing.

    ~MRK