Shadow Girl

This is a very descriptive piece, the imagery was nice but in some parts the rhymes seem a little forced for me. This part for example:

"Shoulders hunched, cheeks stained, smile
faded
Black and white like a picture that's dated"

The syllable count wasn't perfect, perhaps you weren't paying attention to it (like me) and was just writing and rhyming. There's a sort of sinister atmosphere in the piece, most especially in the end when the girl died of over-consumption of alcohol, but the emotion is lacking. It is descriptive, like the quote I mentioned above, but a little more emotion wouldn't hurt, right?

Overall,you did a nice job of combining your poetry skills and story-telling ability to make this. It was worth the read. Deserves a 5/5 :)

-X

I have a lot to say about this piece, but let me start with the dissection.

Four tall pillars, burning bright
Everybody, it seems, is blinded by their light.
All but one lone child, who in their shadows cries
Tears of pain and sorrow, from her hollow, empty eyes

^This is such an interesting beginning. It is emotional and it leads into the piece very well without giving away too much just yet. It shows the variations of life and it has a twinge of hope to it.

The pillars were praised, they brought about light,
All she could do was bow to their might.
Shoulders hunched, cheeks stained, smile faded
Black and white like a picture that's dated

^^The description here is amazing, I can see this all and it is just stunning. I wish I could possess the talent you show in just this stanza even. It is completely indescribable.

She cried out at first, trying to fight
Believing it was the thing that was right
She learned she was wrong, she learned to stay silent
Even as her grief became more and more violent.

^^This starts to tell more of your story of the poor girl, now that the scene was set a stanza ago.

That bottle began to look more inviting
Despite the poison it was hiding
Finally the shadow girl,
popped off the cap with a whirl

^^Wow. There are so many thoughts that this stanza provoked. I mean really it is perfect. You can tell so much about someone so unknown just by this little bit. You can see it all, and feel like the girl as well as like a bystander.

Down her throat they went
Her frustrations she'd vent
As she fell, knowing death was near,
She felt only relief, not fear

^^ Most would think of fear here, but no not her. Not you either it seems. We see the story coming to an end, the hope is lost and yet it's so awe inspiring.

Her vision began to fade
And her tears began to cascade
As she realized, her heart breaking into splinters
Nobody would even miss her.

^^Its sad when you think how many people die and no one even knows. But it happens all the time and here is a story depicting just that, yet in a way the reader can miss the poor girl. In a way we can feel like this death is unjust as was the life of the shadow girl, but you just can't miss her... if you know what I mean.

As she sobbed there, on the floor
Her heart slowed more and more
And it stopped.....

^^Excellent way to tie the piece together.

I cried from reading this piece, you did such an immaculate job portraying this person's story, without claiming it real, yet stuff like it happens everyday. The word choice was phonominal and the imagery was marvelous and the emotion was sharp. I mean I love this piece, it seems perfect. I am out of words trying to say how much I envy your talent.

5/5 but can't I award more?

~MRK

P.S Please, please continue to write more like this. I promise I'll continue to read.