Timeless [Terza Rima]

I felt as if I was taken on a ride through an unknown place which smelled of the things I love. Nicely done in creating the image in my mind and luring me to smell the scents you expressed. Your beginning line was great because it took me to a place in time and set the scene wonderfully. I liked how you broke up "meant" and "to lose" in the end of stanza one and beginning of stanza 2. It added a nice sense of anticipation. When I first read the last line in stanza 1, I thought you were going to say something along the lines of someone didn't mean what they said and I was pleasantly surprised because you took it to a different place and sent me on an unpredictable ride. Your ending was ambiguous but in the best way possible for it leaves the reader wondering of this place that never really was. Formed poetry can sometimes become stiff and too structured but you tackled it beautifully.

'Rain drizzled as tonight grew timeless'
^At first I thought this wasn't one of the strongest lines I've seen you write, but then I began to realize a few things that really made me love it. Rain drizzling is beautiful, & fits perfectly with the fact that the night is ending.

You then spoil us with the lovely phrases, scents, and images that nothing can compare to. I adore their symbolism as always. Adds to the emotion in this piece soo much. Beautiful & definitely well deserved for it's win! Well done as always Mel.

Author: Ms SunShine
status: member
date: 2012.03.26 16:22

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Congratulations for you dear winners and H'Ms!

A tie was broken between the following poems:

If Cigarettes Could Talk
Spring in My Pocket
Horrific Anxiety

the vote went for Lioness (If Cigs..)

VOTES:

If Cigarettes Could Talk
by Lioness (10)

Timeless [Terza Rima]
by Melpomene (4+7)

What If
by Kiko (10+10)

Horrific Anxiety (10)
by Lioness

Spring in my Pocket
by Tara Kay (10)

The Occupant
by Lebanese Phoenix (7)

Unforgiving
by Mel (7)

Only In Time (7)
by Britt

Tir na gCroi
by Colm (4)

Late
by Jenni (4)

Uncalled-for
by gIrL aka Meme (4)

You Tucked the Lantern
by Lebanese Phoenix(4)

COMMENTS:

Timeless [Terza Rima]
by Melpomene (4+7)

I felt as if I was taken on a ride through an unknown place which smelled of the things I love. Nicely done in creating the image in my mind and luring me to smell the scents you expressed. Your beginning line was great because it took me to a place in time and set the scene wonderfully. I liked how you broke up "meant" and "to lose" in the end of stanza one and beginning of stanza 2. It added a nice sense of anticipation. When I first read the last line in stanza 1, I thought you were going to say something along the lines of someone didn't mean what they said and I was pleasantly surprised because you took it to a different place and sent me on an unpredictable ride. Your ending was ambiguous but in the best way possible for it leaves the reader wondering of this place that never really was. Formed poetry can sometimes become stiff and too structured but you tackled it beautifully

---

My reason for choosing this poem is already apparent in the first few lines. This poem has so much outstanding imagery... from the start, let me break down one of the lines: "your scent bloomed fierce in the corner of a candle shop"... what an awesome way to start! The poet describes scents as blooming, this combination is tranquil and romantic, but when coupled with a contrasting "fierce" the romantic quality becomes instantly heated. But as if that combination wasn't enough, the candle shop location adds another level to the image. Candle shops are quiet, full of scents and wax, I picture dust, I picture an old and serene environment infiltrated by scent-provoked memory. Already, you've tipped me from where I thought the phrase was heading. Love it. The whole poem is built like this... the scents and tastes describes mimic the candles in the shop but they come to life on my palate, and by the time we reach the third stanza I'm practically beside myself drooling over pumpkin pie and longing for the comfort of winter cherry or the flavor of fresh raspberry. The rate at which these scents are thrown at the reader mimics the environment, and I want to clutch at and savor them all at once, just like candles in a shop.

I can't comment like others do with the line by line .
But I will say this was a breath taking poem filled with images, scents and emotions mingled together in one awesome write

Must say, you pick up some very difficult challenges to write. Not being as knowledgeable, I researched this style, and was impressed...first used by Dante, the famous Italian Poet who lived in the 13 th century and then used by other poets during the renassaince and in the 20th century, including Frost. Quite a bold and complex style, I must say.

(Terza rima is a three-line stanza poem using chain rhyme in the pattern A-B-A, B-C-B, C-D-C, D-E-D. but it has to end with either a single line or a couplet repeating the rhyme of the middle line of the final tercet, e.g in the sequence above the only 2 possible endings are an "e" or "e-e").

Your poem has a rhyme sequence of A-B-A, B-C-B, C-D-C, and ends with a couplet with a "D-D" rhyme sequence very nicely.

My qns:
1) If "anywhere" and "somewhere" are replaced, such as shown below, to make better sense of the ending, would they change the meaning of the ending lines?

"the sound of galloping horses, everywhere,
in some place that's never really there".

2) Did you use the iambic pentameter (da DUM | da DUM | da DUM | da DUM | da DUM) as a rhyming sequence in your entire poem, which is supposedly the preferred rhyming sequence for this complex poetry type? It is hard for me to tell, as I get confused counting the 5 feet, i.e 5 sets of stressed and unstressed syllables. In your poem, some lines do not seem to have that pattern to my reading.

If you did, hats off to your craftmanship for this very difficult style, when used with 5 iambs (not required though).

Lastly, the thoughts in your poem are very touching to my interpretation/misinterpretation:

"and I began to believe you never meant

to lose yourself amongst the lavender crops,
aphrodisiacs or clustered chaste berries
that flowered only upon midnight backdrops."

^ just wondered whether this loss was to "unchaste" berries? the way I interpret it (obviously mistaken).

Tonight you were soy tea lights; winter cherry.
The fragrance of our last Christmas and hot air,
the taste of pumpkin pie and fresh raspberry,

^ as compared to all the homely tastes and fragrances that "we" had last X'mas.

"the sound of galloping horses, anywhere,
somewhere, in a place that's never really there."

^ implying the rapid heartbeat of a passionate heartstricken, is now distant in a place that is no longer there.

An exquisitely sad and difficult composition, from the soul of a heartbroken.