Mother

by Shifzy   Apr 30, 2012


As days pass by,
i see you growing pale and old
he's yelling at you,
i can't take it any more

he don't care for you,
he's telling you to leave
i see you standing there,
tears rolling down your cheeks

you are struggling with the itchy eyes,
while he stands with that ugly pose
he has a very bad luck,
cause he pricked into the thorns instead of taking the rose

she did so many sacrifices,
is it this what she deserves?
those big eyes make me wonder,
from how long you kept your tears preserved?

I pray to you holy lord,
to stop the dispute from growing any further
for if she goes and leave me here,
how will i get such a lovely mother?

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Latest Comments

  • 12 years ago

    by Jenni

    I'll start with a few suggestions and then tell you what I liked: first of all I'd recommend you to keep in mind to always capitalize "I" and "Lord" as you're refering to the Almighty. Also try to focus more on the flow, than for it to rhyme.
    he don't care for you, -> doesn't
    he has a very bad luck -> without "a"
    for if she goes and leave me here -> leaves

    I think you did a good job with telling this story and though you're not pointing out the obvious, it's definately understanable what you're trying to say. The fact that you directed it to your mother made it even more personal as it already is and it seems like you're trying to open her eyes by telling her out of your point of view what kind of threatment he gives to her.

    "(be)cause he pricked into the thorns instead of taking the rose"
    ^ I think that this is a really interesting verse as you do see the beauty, but are so overwhelmed by it, that he probably just want to take it, without realizing the risk (picking into the thorns).

    This poem does have potential! :)

    • 12 years ago

      by Shifzy

      Thank you jenni, for pointing out the errors. :)
      and i would keep all that in mind while writing. :)

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