Nights like this I think about her and the love we made
not just sexually or physically, but mentally and emotionally,
she opened me and masterfully provoked me into a place
I could never have dreamed of or hoped to be,
and now I can't remember when she last spoke to me, or what she said,
but the softness of her touch will never leave my head,
the magic of her kisses when we blessed our bed, the smell after her showers,
a more intoxicating aroma than any bouquet of flowers,
and this love that used to be ours is now nothing more than memories, killin me,
exacerbating this emotional castration, to the point I can't even focus on masturbation
because the contemplation of another love like that, keeps me awake for hours,
like the nights I'd walk the dog I never wanted but accepted simply because he made her happy, because her smile just makes me sappy, especially when she called me daddy
and when her baby called me Paw, I felt a tugging at my jaw,
like the corners of my mouth were taking a trip to the north
while my heart was melting like it was headed south,
because this love was taking me in opposite directions like my foot was trying to become my mouth, and this family man I wanted to become was struggling against this insecurity about,
my previous unfaithful spouse, who tarnished my view of relationships
but honestly I make no excuses for my mistakes and shit,
cause I'm grown and this random statement which unexpectedly transformed into a poem,
spit directly from the deepest hidden section of my heart,
is hopefully the point where I can try to let go and come full circle to the start,
of a true healing process which will allow me to pick apart,
all my deficiencies in life so that the next time I decide to relinquish my heart,
I'm sure that I'm prepared for the responsibility associated with the journey on which I'm about to embark,
and I pray she understands that I wanna be a better man, than my mother's first husband ever can, and if she gives me a fighting chance, I promise to take a final stand, in the garden of love. 4/17/2011-10/23/2011
