What Comes With Night(Epic, part 1)

by Lofallenve   May 8, 2012


(My attempt at an Epoch poem. To be told in separate poems. :) )

I kept my eyes on that empty trail,
the secret one that leads to the wood,
veiled in the darkness that was night,
further than mine own human eyes could hope to follow.

Time surely trickled by on past,
slower than the creek that had gone dry this season;
but still, your silhouette I did not catch.
I had been about ready to close the shutters,
When in the light from the wax of the moon shone,
lighting up the onyx horse --
the one best used to prevaricate one into believing
the spirited stallion be only part of the dead shadows.

His cloak of a black wolf fur billowed out behind him,
as he nudged his horse into a gallop, quickly,
filling the space between him and soon to be my arms.
Little, did this man know about this particular night,
The plans I had so painstakingly made, repeated in my mind,
until they had come to me as easy as breathing.

He pulled his horse up into a slow gait, walking
his horse in the grass toward the secret gate.
I had by this time pulled myself away from the window,
tip-toed down the quieted stairs, to where he awaited.

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  • 12 years ago

    by nouriguess

    I agree with my Xanthe, your Shakespearian way of words doesn't always do you a favor. You must be careful of how to use words. In dark poetry, I see lots of complicated, new (and sometimes it sucks) words. Darkness isn't about complicated words, it's about complicated feelings.

    'but still, your silhouette I did not catch.'
    ^
    I don't know what's wrong with this line, but it broke. Maybe you are trying too much to 'perfect' the flow? In my humble opinion, just let it out.

    In the ending, repeating the 'horse' word was annoying. I loved though how you ended it, with walking towards him. He, awaiting you and all seemed connected, you just have to look after those grammatical errors here and there. :)

    Good piece, I enjoyed reading it!

  • 12 years ago

    by Kitty Kurse

    "His cloak of a black wolf fur billowed out behind him,
    as he nudged his horse into a gallop, quickly,
    filling the space between him and soon to be my arms.
    Little, did this man know about this particular night,
    The plans I had so painstakingly made, repeated in my mind,
    until they had come to me as easy as breathing."
    This is my favorite stanza in this poem.

    ""further than mine own human eyes could
    hope to follow."
    Perhaps you should rephrase this and say thine, thou.

    "He pulled his horse up into a slow gait, walking
    his horse in the grass toward the secret gate."
    I loved your imagery through out the whole thing. This is an interesting write I will read the next two:)

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    "I kept my eyes on that empty trail,
    the secret one that leads to the wood,"
    ---wood should be woods if you're referring to the forest. If you want to retain the 'wood' it should be 'a wood'
    "further than mine own human eyes could
    hope to follow."
    ---Hmm.. since the archaic language was inconsistent, 'mine own' here is a grammatical error. I know it has been used by a lot of writers/poets, particularly Shakespeare, but if you're going to write one phrase archaic, the rest should be archaic as well (thy, thou...), otherwise this should be 'my own'.
    Other than that, I like this piece. Vivid imagery and the story is coherent, so far. Usually epic/epoch poems lose clarity, I hope this one doesn't, it's a good read so far. I'll be reading the next part...
    -X

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