Comments : My Soul; My Earth

  • 12 years ago

    by Wicked Ways

    Woah! I didn't know you were this talented, this is a wicked poem Kitty that you thought up here, its deep and meaningful, I love your word choice.. and the title fits with it too.

    Can repair lines of lava that seep from my arms to create scars known as memories.

    Love this line, sometimes we get scars that cannot heal how we got them. . . . this is an awesome poem keep up the good work :)

    5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I thought the title was quite clever. Instead of a conjunction or something, the semi-colon works really well.

    "Levels of hell come out of the ground
    beneath my feet;"

    Levels? I don't get that. Change it, perhaps?

    "Steam seeping out of the cracks that are
    forming."

    Great imagery here. But I suggest you either eradicate 'that' or change 'seeping' to 'seeps' so it will connect with the verb (come) in the previous lines.

    "My heart racing as heat hits my face,"

    Nice assonance^ Love it. But 'racing' should be 'races' to connect with the past actions presented.

    "Looking down and taking a step back while I
    watch as Earth cracks apart,"

    'Earth' is the planet, no need to capitalize 'e' and add an article. You had a bit trouble connecting your verbs here, but I like the imagery.
    Just a little revision:
    "I look down and take a step back whilst watching the earth crack"

    "Red beady eyes show from deep within her fiery depths."

    No need the capitalize the 'r'. Otherwise, this line is written well. The personification of the earth is just nice.
    'Fiery depths' gives this a good imagery too.

    "Dark howling can be heard from deep within the cuts of [the] earth's skin,"

    Nothing to critically comment. Again, good imagery.

    "Screams that create goose bumps at
    instants and laughter that of the devil,"

    'at instants' would be better as 'at an instance'. Hm.. the 'laughter that of the devil' seems out of place. Perhaps combine them?
    "Screams and laughter of the devil create goose bumps"

    "Me and my soul coming to an end,
    Lava swallows me as fire burns bones that
    are of no more existence."

    Perhaps the best part of the piece. Well-done!

    "And my soul that hath been referred to as
    my Earth;"

    'Hath' is an archaic word for 'have'. Since the archaic language was inconsistent, I suggest you do not use them. And even if you use 'hath' it is grammatically incorrect because 'has' is needed instead of have.

    "My Earth; My soul,
    Can repair lines of lava that seep from my
    arms to create scars known as memories."

    Really great ending, in my opinion. The echo of the title here made this more powerful. Amazing job. Just take care of the tense, other than that, you have here an awesome piece. Keep it up :)
    -X

    • 12 years ago

      by Kitty Kurse

      Thank you for the comment, and thanks for the advice!

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    Really good, I like your choice of words and the ending was great.

    good work

  • 12 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    Seriously one of the best poems i have ever read, so awesome. love it. 5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    Now that is an awesome dark poem.. It sounds empowering!