A Father and Son

by Tyler Moore   May 24, 2012


(Stanzas in [] refer to the son and those without to the dad)

A noise from downstairs,
I awoke with a start.
My heart was heaving,
my senses were sharp.

["Dad's gonna kill me"
is all I could think,
as I wormed through the window
and over the sink.]

An intruder inside
moving around,
I crept out of bed
not making a sound.

[Slowly and slyly
through the kitchen I went.
Being caught out this late
was not my intent.]

From my bed to the closet
I reached for my gun
to protect my family,
my wife and my son.

[I slid towards the stairs
now holding my breath.
If dad sees me this drunk
God forgive him for my death.]

Clutching my gun
I took a deep breath,
pointing down the stairs
to the shadowy depths.

[Around the corner of the stairs
I stuck out my head.
Three shots later,
I was on the floor dead.]

A sudden realization,
with the last shot of my gun.
This intruder is a boy,
this boy is my son.

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Latest Comments

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    This is an interesting and creative write. The shifting of narrators wasn't distracting at all, and it still flowed really well. It's an enjoyable piece to read, so thank you for telling me to read this. As for the rhymes, the were clean, so I like that.
    The story-telling pace this piece took stripped away emotions, but it worked, so I'm not criticising you for that. Hm,

    'I slid towards the stairs
    now holding my breath.
    If dad sees me this drunk
    God forgive him for my death.'

    As for this part you mentioned, I assure you the flow was good. However, the 'clarity' was what made this part seem lacking. It's nonsensical in a way. I can understand that it is hard to rhyme whilst making the flow good and keeping on track with the 'story' (that's why I stopped rhyming for a while lol)
    Overall, it's an awesome piece. It just seems a little 'overworked'. A little revision would do. Keep writing!
    -X

  • 12 years ago

    by Silent Girl

    Very emotional , sad and deep poem 5/5

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