Comments : A Mother's Burden

  • 12 years ago

    by Silent Girl

    Very sad poem 5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I want to leave a long comment, but I don't have much time right now. This is a sad but beautiful piece.
    I'll be back :) Keep it up
    -X

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    This piece is heart-breaking, and the transition with tone and events was smooth. With respect to change, I thought there was a little struggle with the prepositions, and they could easily be fixed to make this read better. An example is this line:
    'I found him playing in the leaf pile'
    I didn't find the use of 'in' appealing here. I'd rather it be 'beside' or 'near' or 'by' or something else.
    There are those little words that I thought could be replaced with something better in order to make this more precise and in my opinion, would be better. Thought I'd should mention that.
    Anyhow, put all that aside, this piece just leaves the reader heartbroken, but that is the beauty of poetry. The carefully placed dialogues were nice, and I love the soft yet melancholic atmosphere this piece has all throughout. Keep writing :)
    -X

    • 12 years ago

      by Tyler Moore

      I changed the preposition you mentioned to "by" and i also changed the last word in the third stanza from "okay" to "alright" to take way the unintentional rhyme. I really appreciate the feedback; besides my younger sister, I've never really shared my poetry with anyone, besides registering with this site recently, so it's nice to have a critical review. Let me know if you have any other suggestions. If you also wouldn't mind looking at "Father and Son". I've had a lot of trouble with the line "God forgive him for my death". I feel like it doesn't flow. Thanks for the consideration and help, and everyone else I appreciate your positive feedback!

  • 12 years ago

    by Cara

    I cried wen I Read this this the first time I ever cried from a Poem in my whole life :[