I did something that I promised you I would never do.
I lied to you, and I'm sorry.
Everything just happened so fast
and I didn't know what to do.
You were there,
sitting next to me in the car and when we left,
your belly was so big with Emily
that I couldn't fasten your seat belt,
and you told me it was fine and to just drive.
We were in a hurry and it was late,
so I did what you told me to do,
I drove.
And I drove fast, too fast,
but I was worried we wouldn't make it
to the hospital in time.
I was so nervous my hands were shaking.
It was you who should have been losing it,
but you were the strong one,
you always were.
So you reached out and touched my shoulder,
and you told me to calm down,
and that everything was going to be fine.
I leaned over to kiss you and when I looked up,
there were just those blinding lights
then a loud noise and spinning,
and then nothing.
When I came to,
the first thing I felt was the throbbing above my ear.
Then all I could think was, accident,
there was an accident.
Then, horrifyingly, I thought of you,
where were you?
I opened my eyes,
suddenly alert,
searching the empty seat beside me.
Then I noticed the windshield.
Why was there a hole in it?
I turned to look behind me in the backseat
when it hit me why there was a hole in the windshield.
Terrified, I unbuckled my seat belt
and forced open my door.
I could see you lying on the ground
under a street lamp 20 feet away.
I ran over to you as fast as I could.
Why wouldn't my legs move faster?
When I finally reached you,
I could see that your body was twisted,
just lying there not moving.
There was so much blood.
I kept calling your name
and you wouldn't wake up,
and I was so scared
and I needed you
but you just lied there still.
I was collapsed on you crying
when I heard you whisper my name.
I lifted my head and saw your eyes were open,
squinting beneath the street lamp above.
Your voice was so calm and soft it scared me.
I was so shocked to hear you speak
that all I could manage to say was "I'm here".
I looked down into your eyes
and you seemed so distant,
so far away.
You asked me where the doctors were.
I told you that they were on their way
and that everything was going to be alright.
I pulled out my phone to call 911
but then you spoke again.
You said "Where's Emily?"
You said that you wanted to hold her.
You asked why you weren't allowed to hold her yet,
and if something had gone wrong,
and if the nurse could turn down the light?
I just sat there staring at you,
and in that moment,
the truth of it came pouring over me
like a flood of cold water.
You didn't realize there was an accident.
You didn't realize that you were lying
in a pool of blood,
on the side of the street.
You didn't realize that your life
was slowly slipping from your body.
You thought you were in the hospital,
and that you had just woken up from the surgery.
I looked down at you
and all I could think of
was how much I loved you,
of how we were suppose to spend our lives together.
I thought of our visions of raising Emily in our new home,
and the crib we had bought the week before.
I pictured holding your hand and kissing you,
as we watched her on her wedding day.
Seeing you smile from the crowd
as you watched me spin her on the dance floor,
the way I always used to spin you.
You asked me if something had gone wrong,
and I'm sorry,
but I loved you too much to tell you the truth.
So I lied.
I smiled down at you,
touching your face,
and I told you that everything was perfect.
I told you about how beautiful our new baby girl was,
I told you that she was going to be a heartbreaker
just like her mother.
Then you asked me why I was crying
and I told you I was just so happy.
And then I told you to go to sleep.
I told you that I loved you
more than anything in the world,
and to just rest your eyes
and that when you opened them again,
you'd see our new baby girl.
I'm standing here by your and Emily's tombstone,
and I miss you so much.
I've been wanting to tell you this for awhile now,
and I know you've already realized what happened,
but I needed you to hear it from me.
And I need you to know that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't careful enough,
and that I didn't pay attention,
and that I drove to fast,
and that I took you and Emily away from me.
And most of all,
I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough,
that I didn't give you the chance to say goodbye.
You were always the strong one, remember?
I love you and miss you.
Tell Emily her daddy loves her.
