by Purple Rose
Wow. When I read this, it sounds like you are taking breaths and for each of those breaths you can only say a little at a time. That's what I imagine anyway :) |
Love your style of writing, it's very simple but has a big impact. You seem to take those simple words and convey your emotions with a few words. I like the honesty and how your heart is confessing in this piece too, you still love this person but you're asking them to fix them. My only suggestion is to create more original images, I'm not saying include all these descriptive words or metaphors, there were just a few lines that I felt weren't as strong, like the walls falling down, I feel like that's such a common portrayal, why was it unique to you? But the part I did think was effect was the ending of a stanza where you said "I'm unfit". Emotional and expressive. |