Kyle's Letter

Kyle,

Back when we first met, i honestly didnt think much of it. We talked, i liked you as a person, and found you attractive. But if you had told me we would be together now, i probably wouldnt have believed you. Now that i have gotten to know you better, i am grateful that we didn't get together back then. I wasn't ready for a man like you. I wasn't ready to be treated right, if that makes any sense. I hated myself. I hated who i was. I still do to a degree. I threw myself into relationships, not seeing the trail of abuse i was given by those i dated, at least not until now. Until now, i was content with being used and abused. At least with those guys i knew what to expect. And i got it every time. I thought that i deserved it. That i had earned it for all i have done wrong in my life. In a screwed up way, the abuse was my penance. I didnt believe that i ever deserved to be happy or to be treated with love instead of control. Until you, or at least until we started talking again. I still dont know if im ready for you, for the effect you have on me. You are too good. Too perfect. Too much of everything i have ever needed or wanted from a man, but didnt believe that i deserved. There's something you have to know about me, if you dont already. When things get too good, i run. I push the happiness away and run to safety. Or what i percieve as safety. The moment i realize that im happy, i dont wait for the other shoe to fall, i drop it myself. Everytime with no exception. And until you, i dont think i even wanted there to be an exception to that rule. Because that rule kept me safe from letting anyone get too close, and therefore risk being hurt again. My only saving grace is that i didnt realize i was doing it until very recently. And my hope is that now that i am aware of it, i may be able to prevent it from happening again, with you. I pray to God i dont let it happen again, because losing you could quite possibly hurt me worse than anyone else. And my instincts are screaming at me that if i leave now, it wont hurt as badly as it could destroy me later on. But im fighting those instincts with everything i have in me. Because when i look at you i see hope, peace, and comfort. I see a future. I saw that only once before, when i was so naive when it came to love that i didnt see the signs of the end until it was too late. And that relationship destroyed a part of me. That relationship paved the road for the string of abusive binges, for lack of a better word, that ive been on for several years now. I want that pattern to end with you. Kyle, i don't even know if you can see in yourself what i see when i look at you. You are beautiful inside and out. You are perfect, perhaps not as a person, but as the man for me. Your mistakes and lessons learned have only molded you into the man i know i will soon come to care for as more than a short-term crush. I know i will come to love you with everything i have, the way i loved a long time ago, but with my eyes open this time. You will become a piece of me that i will never be able to part with. And the fear those truths induce in me is enough to make me shake with it. Because i can't protect myself and be happy at the same time. It's one or the other and for years i have chosen the former. To stay safe and protected behind the walls i erected around every vulnerable part of myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to take the risk with you. I have to. If i am to put my past where it belongs and heal from everything i have gone through, i have to take the risk of getting hurt again. Otherwise i know i will hide for the rest of my life. If i can't take that risk with you, i doubt i will find someone else with which i can. To be honest, you caught me at a vulnerable point. If you hadnt, who knows where wed be but i doubt wed be here. That vulnerability allowed you to slip in past my defenses and start to wrap yourself around my heart without my even knowing it. And i thank God that's the point you found me at, because i can see us lasting. I know its early on and i don't want to make too many predictions too early, but if you're not the man for me, i really don't know who is. You found a chink in my armor and like the stubborn bastard that you are and that i know i am starting to love, you hacked away until you reached the real me. The girl i've been hiding away for years. The girl who knows nothing of warmth or love or hope. My only weakness is that girl which is why i had to protect her so harshly after someone nearly destroyed her. So i took her place. I took the pain. I took the hate. I took the indifference from people who should have cared but didnt. I took the weight from her shoulders onto my own. I swore that she would never know pain again. And by doing that i doomed her to a life without light or happiness. By protecting her so completely i condemned her to a life without love. And by pushing her away so far, i nearly separated us forever. I didn't acknowledge who she was or what she meant to me. I'd done such a good job at keeping her hidden and protected that i didnt even see her anymore when i looked in the mirror. My biggest mistake was forgetting who she really is. She's me. I'm her. There can be no true separation. She's the part of me that gave her heart. She's the part of me that loved unconditionally. She's the part of me that trusted without question. She's the part of me that took care of anyone who needed help. She's the part of me that forgave everyone every wrong ever done to her. She's the selfless, loving, compassionate, merciful, joyful, hopeful, forgiving, trusting, believeing, beautiful, happy part of me. The part of me i had to shove away. To get rid of as much as i could in order to stay safe, or so i thought. It's only now that i am beginning to see that without her, i'm not alive. Safety matters little when you're not even living. What i'm trying to say is that since i've started talking to you again, i've seen glimpses. Shadows. Hints of the girl i thought i had lost forever. And until that happened, i didn't realize that that has been what i have been looking for in every guy i've been with. With those that were too nice to me, i was too stubborn to let that part of me out, and they werent strong enough to be able to change my mind or heart. With those that abused me, i looked for someone to be able to break that little girl. The poor innocent girl who was my only weakness and therefore i wanted to destroy her when it became to hard to protect her any longer. And now, with you.. i'm lost. You are amazing and treat me like i'm precious, like you can see the little girl and reach out to her as though my walls don't even exist. Yet you are man enough to put your foot down with me when you need to, but not in a way that causes me to react defensively, but patiently and kindly, with a firm touch. What i'm trying to say is that you complete me. When you find an empty space, you fill it with warmth and hope and love. You bring me peace, which i didn't even realize i was aching for until i found you. You're the one sweetheart. And even though i still want to take things slowly with you, i know that that fact won't change. I hope that when you read this it both makes you smile, but also realize what you mean to me, and how much more i know you will come to mean to me as time passes. And i hope you feel the same as i do, or that you will in time.

<3 Chelsea <3