Comments : Time is gold

  • 12 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    Why would you always be a prisoner of your desires?
    Let all ingredients run in their planned pathways
    and make your mind free of desire slavery
    thereafter you will be fully satisfied.

    OK! Human is a weak creature,
    but don't you know that
    queens of mind,
    when released,
    can yield even wonders,
    by which the human be the strongest?

    Yet, you have to be very bold,
    when confronted with
    Gordian knots.
    Of course the world is full of experts and scientists in all fields,
    but the minority (or may be no one) have the real desire to repair it.

    I'll tell one thing. Just start with yourself first and be the change
    which you want in this world.

    And remember, time is gold.

    I wanted to see you poem with some breaks (pauses)

    awesomely written Khalid :) Just maybe some breaks...

  • 12 years ago

    by Cinda Berard

    Ghandi made a similiar statement, "be the change you wish the world to be." Good piece. tc

  • Why would you always be a prisoner of your desires?
    Let all ingredients run in their planned pathways
    and make your mind free of desire slavery
    thereafter you will be fully satisfied.

    ^^ I like this opening. Particularly the fact that you opened with a question - it got the poem rolling and drew the focus from the beginning.

    OK! Human is a weak creature,
    but don't you know that
    queens of mind,
    when released,
    can yield even wonders,
    by which the human be the strongest?

    ^^ I don't really understand the 'queens of mind' statement - maybe its my sleepy mind, but all that's coming to mind at the moment is the 'queen bee' in a beehive. lol.
    You are right when saying that humans are the strongest mentally - well maybe only from our perspective, but still - we have many accomplishments of which to be proud of.

    Yet, you have to be very bold,
    when confronted with
    Gordian knots.
    Of course the world is full of experts and scientists in all fields,
    but the minority (or may be no one) have the real desire to repair it.

    ^^ Society is lazy. And it seems to be becoming more so. Technology has taken over. We crave new technology because it makes our life more easy. Even in the last decade there have been such significant changes going back thousands of years... it's both an achievement and a failure.

    I'll tell one thing. Just start with yourself first and be the change
    which you want in this world. And remember, time is gold.

    ^^Adjustment;
    'I'll tell one thing' should be 'I'll tell you one thing'
    I absolutely LOVE this ending! It has such a positive message.

    Overall;
    Love love love it!
    The message was so positive.

    I think I agree with 'Lostlove1' about the breaks - Not necessarily the breaks that they've suggested though.
    Also, it's not completely necessary just maybe something to consider. Personally, I think it would give it more impact, especially if that last statement from 'I'll tell you.. [onwards] was separated from the rest of the poem. But completely up to you. As I said, it's not absolutely necessary - doesn't kill the message or brilliance of the piece if you chose not to.

    Well penned. 5/5