On To The Golden Gates

I've been told
that it only takes approximately
four seconds,
to jump and fall
into the inevitable
escape of
death.

There's no barrier or fence
anyone can build
that will make me breathe
as if I've been blind, deaf
to the eyes who shoot me-
with their full knowing
that my heart bleeds
black.

I've heard the whispers,
the cover-up stories
on the nightly news
that twenty-eight people
have survived
over the tiny, lost years
that can't be recovered....

But they don't know
that those who couldn't
end the rage, the screams,
the lost heart,
can't be convinced of
saving
themselves.

I was born unwritten,
chosen to be unheard,
voted to be called
useless, and even I know
I am....
for I can't seem to prove
my existence well enough,

though San Francisco
has offered nothing more than
a dull, dying penny
to remove all traces
from its loved city.

For I won't be beloved
by the earth or by the clouds,
their eyes of hidden words
watch me too well,
they know I tell myself
that I don't want
to be the one who
lives....

I've decided, I swear I'm not
returning, going back.
My soul is done with being
lost among
what I can't even find.

Never will I be seen again.
That's what they all
wished in their deepest sleep-
I'm only a living nightmare
to those who know I have
a heartbeat as a mistake.
But soon I'll be acting
their dream

come true-

and whether the rush of
cold, vengeful water
cuts of my air supply
or merely
strokes my side
then wounds me to the
bottom,

I won't be regretted

for I'll be buried in hate,
but might just touch
an echo of
gold.

Written June 13, 2012.

[A poem about Suicide Awareness and the effects of Bullying. I came across this news report of remembering an 18 year old man who committed suicide off of the George Washington Bridge, and then I came to know that the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge has had more suicides than any other in the world. I couldn't believe it. I know I will never feel the pain those who are attempting it are feeling, but I wanted to try and write in the perspective of a teenager who has given up- to show the urgency of helping stop bullying and preventing signs of depression and suicide..]