Comments : 00:00.0

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    Great one, Tony. Lots of thoughts about life and death were there. I felt like I was watching Justin Timberlake's movie: In Time.

    The thing I like the most is the thought which says that someone doesn't die in fire but dies in smoke. It is situational irony, and I love that.

  • 12 years ago

    by Karla

    My friend is a fireman and he gets sas whenever he loses a life. It is a beautiful profession.A fireman is a potential hero. I admire them.
    Maybe we all are part of a big plan but I keep a thing in mind: I may not change the past but I can make a better future.Great piece.

  • 12 years ago

    by ronel mccarthy

    Thought-provoking.............I suppose we don't know so nature can run its own course........lovely poem

  • 12 years ago

    by Jenni

    I think I remember this from a songs video clip, where there was one person who was able to see how much time the people around him had left, but it took him a while till he understood that and if he happened to save a life, then that ability would be passed over to the persons life he had saved. I thought it was quite interesting and your poe reminded me of it, but I can see that there are differences.
    You've got two typos in the first stanza, second verse: the girl in red who oder a cup of coffe" would have to be "the girl in red, who orders a cup of coffee" and "the old man that get the number two bus" should be changed to "the old man, that gets the number two bus"
    "no" in the last verse of your first stanza should be "know"
    "Numbers are everywhere each hour turns to minutes."
    ^ I would recommend you to insert a semicolon between "everywhere" and "each" because both parts could stand on their own as a complete sentence. I'd also let that sentence stand on its own, by placing a period at the end and then making the next one a nw sentence as I do not think they are connected. Would have to be "A man collapses outside the bakers."

    Him collapsing already gives the reader the idea that there might be something wrong and you counting down just picks up the thought of being able to see how much time others have left, which for him just turned out to be none.
    "No matter what I do time stays the same" <- insert a comma between "do" and "time"
    "you never no when" <- "no" should be "know"

    Overall a really interesting idea and I think you worded it well too, just erase those small mistakes and this poem will be even better.

  • 12 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Wow. this poem really got my attention, it is so cool. I mean the point of it, the idea and the thought are stunning. I love the simplicity yet the description and pull the piece had on me.

    What would you do if you could see how long each person has left on earth?

    ^^ I love how you started the piece with a question. A question that could arise a conversation, a story, a train of thought all on its own. Yet it only grabs attention to lead the audience farther on in the piece.

    As I walk the cracked sidewalk people catch
    my eye, the girl in red who orders a cup of coffee
    from the same place at the same time everyday
    or the old man that gets the number two bus from
    Chester green to kirkmen road,thousands of people
    and only I no when their time is up.

    ^^ The descriptions here are wonderful. They are really simple but they are so vivid at the same time.

    Numbers are everywhere each hour turns to minutes ...

    a man collapse outside the bakers

    3
    2
    1
    00:00.0

    He's gone ...

    ^^ So plain although it is linked with subtle emotion and style.

    Know matter what I do time stays the same
    I save a boy from a house fire, yet he dies
    from breathing in the dark smoke , is this fate ?
    Are we all just part of a plan ?
    Never waste the precious time we
    have you never no when
    you will get the number...
    00:00.0

    ^^ Perfect way to wrap up such a potent piece.

  • 12 years ago

    by Meme

    Well you acheived your goal with this poem, it really provokes your mind and make you think alot.

    Great piece..

  • 12 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    This really makes you wonder...

    It's nicely written and has loads of imagery, great job! :)