Comments : Blue Apple

  • 12 years ago

    by Lioness

    Thomas,

    I thought at the beginning you were referring to applies themselves and that is why the poem was under nature, but then the last stanza I had an image of suicide. When you were talking about rope I thought you were talking about someone hanging themselves, if this is the case I feel that it should be better in the sad section of the poem.

    I must say that the write itself was great, how you did compare this person from an apple tree naturally than the image of them hanging by a rope.

    Awesome

    x

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    Yeah, I also agree with Lioness,
    I think it will suit this poem to be categorized in the sad section rather than nature even though there was a comparison with the tree and the apple.

    I like what you did with the apple and how you compared it. I wasn't expecting this turned out but I think it work.

    I also enjoyed the rhymes.

    5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I found the title so interesting, so I did not hesitate to read this. I literally had an image of a blue apple in my mind when I read the title haha.
    I think by blue, you mean sad or depressed. I have to agree with both Liz and Luce; this would better suit the sad poems category. Although the subject/metaphor is an apple, the sad tone and suicide theme kinda took away from that.

    I have a few suggestions:
    -do not capitalise the first letters of each line, only after a full stop.
    -the syntax was awkward in some parts because of the rhyme scheme. I think you shouldn't give up meaning for rhyme.
    -"Like the apple's leafs"
    Leafs should be: leaves
    -Some punctuation would really benefit this piece and help with the flow.

    "My legs are hanging
    So far from the soil"

    I thought this was a peculiar image. I can't think of any part of an apple that would depict 'legs'.

    "My parents' plans
    I did foil"

    This was awkward in terms of syntax.

    "Cause like the apple"

    An apostrophe before [cause] would suffice, since it is the shortened form of 'because'.

    That said, I think overall, this is a well-penned poem. Just a few tweaks would help. I enjoyed reading this piece. Great job.