I'm no loser [Diary fragment]

The air was okay that morning,
I wore my best pants,
my mom's shoes, her best bag,
simple make up and a smile.

"try your hardest"
Steph said, "Impress them"
and I did give it my all.
they were happy with me,
everyone was happy with me.

..but was I happy?,
this is not who I am.

the "me" I know,
does not wear shoes that imitate
the sound of a galloping horse.
the "me" I know, writes on paper
but does not file them.

I'm no miss fancy pants,
even if I look good in them-
but with time I've come to understand
that I do not belong with those
who stick their noses in the air
as if humanity smelled bad.

the women in there,
they looked at me as if I was no one,
as if I had stolen their lover, bruised their
children and wrecked their home.

my cousins say,
that I think I'm all that,
because I lost twenty pounds,
my English is better than them
I went to the best school here,
and still want to keep studying

people look at me,
as if I never struggled.
like twenty pounds came off,
because I kept on eating cake.
no, I didn't sacrifice bad habits.
it just came off,
the same way I did not work for
my Diploma, no, of course not.
the principle read my poetry,
found it pretty and handed it to me.

lately, everything in my house
is a mess including the people who live in it.
and I don't know what its all this luck
they've been talking about

people treat me as if I'm unworthy
of all that I have, all I have become
and all I have yet to be. but I've worked
my way from under to up,
I've cried myself
to sleep too many nights because
I was unhappy with who I was,
and changed myself by the morning.

I'm worthy of the fancy pants
I have to wear to work
deep down I know I am.

but truth is, I don't want them.

give me the sneakers and some
sun, give me the drinks and the people
let me flatter them and make them smile.

even if I lose my back
in the process..

I no longer care what they think of me,
how much of a loser they find me.

I'm worthy of everything life throws
to me, good or bad

it shapes me, even
when I can't see it.