The Voice In Your Head (Collaberation with Everlasing)

by Mello193 & L   Jul 18, 2012


Make up on the dresser
some more shades of black
with scarred wrists, I bless her
for her there is no going back
all I see is red
red like flailing phantom firetrucks
"dont look, dont look"
all you'll find is pain
in her eyes now dead
dead like screaming bleeding crux
pain overtook, pain overtook
love is a bitter stain

"Look away, look away"
more of her crimson rain
is falling down her cheek
her eyes show an immense pain
I'm afraid you'll go astray
and fall in her domain.

The rainswept graveyards
where the innocent lie
her reflections bleeds in broken shards
one question with no answer -"why?"
her skin so pale as snow
her gentle caring smile
belongs now to the crow
to repair what has been defiled
as the wounds begin there sting
the subtle air now chilled
a touch of sweet memories, what pain it brings
left my black heart devilishly thrilled
eternities pain shall break the silence
as each scar seems to fade
this night will end in violence
from the blackness of a different shade
"don't go, don't go"
the raven shares a tale
blood flow, blood flow"
unclaimed innocence unveiled
my valentine has hallow eyes
the blood runs down her cheek
now in the earth she now lies
the blackness growing bleak
her face is painted in my mind
another solitary moment
of moments held in time, so kind
away from all this torment

Don't you see?
too much pain, she felt,
she now seeks revenge.
Don't torture your soul
"let her go, let her go"
she is a ghost,
a spirit who lost
the hue of life in her smile
Don't you see?
during your nights
she walks in high heels,
not pretending to be
a dark royalty, but she is
an empress of ebony malice,
She wants you to think
that life in her has not shrink.
to make you her prey,
and torture your head;
'til on your pillow, you fall dead.
Don't you see?
She is not who she used to be
that gentle caring chick
who wore her lipstick
to kiss you on your cheek.
She wants you with her
to take you far away.
"Look away, look away"
Don't torture yourself.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    There were some parts where the transition was a little too obvious but this flowed really well, nonetheless.

    The rhyming on and off was kind of distracting, but I like the repetitions and the phrases enclosed in quotation marks. Which is probably the 'voice' in the persona's 'head', or his/her conscience speaking.

    "The rainswept graveyards
    where the innocent lie"

    I love the word 'rainswept', and how you tied it in with graveyards was just so sad.
    I think 'lie' should be plural, so it agrees with the noun 'innocent'. But since you are rhyming, I suggest innocent be plural instead. That way, it'd avoid grammatical errors and flow much better.

    >>"don't go, don't go"
    the raven shares a tale
    blood flow, blood flow"<<

    I love how this verse flowed. I think you forgot to add one more quotation mark before the third line. It kind of looks awkward without it.

    "unclaimed innocence unveiled
    my valentine has hallow eyes
    the blood runs down her cheek
    now in the earth she now lies"

    Great use of imagery here; extremely vivid and effective. I think there's a typo on 'hollow' (?). And the repetition of 'now' weakened the last line. I suggest you remove the first one, in the fourth line here.

    Don't torture your soul
    "let her go, let her go"
    ^
    Nothing really to comment here, but I thought this was brilliant!

    "She wants you to think
    that life in her has not shrink."

    This was too forced, and not that necessary to the piece.

    "to make you her prey,
    and torture your head;
    'til on your pillow, you fall dead."
    ^
    This too...

    "that gentle caring chick
    who wore her lipstick
    to kiss you on your cheek."
    ^
    Too forced, and too 'telling'

    >>>"Look away, look away"
    Don't torture yourself.<<< Okay, I love the ending. It's beautifully penned.

    Great job Luce and Parish. Hope to see more collabs from you both. Enjoy reading this.

  • 12 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Great work guys, you have created a really powerful poem here. x

  • 12 years ago

    by Mello193

    Awww thank you guys so much

  • 12 years ago

    by Lioness

    OMG!

    Friggin brilliant!!!

    What darkness can be felt in this you guys did an amazing job writing this collab, I am so happy to see that.

    I wish I had more nominations left lol - someone please nominate this!

    x

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    Great duet!
    I actually loved the rhyming and the spooky tones which go in parallel very well.

    But for the next time, I advise you to minimize the length because it would be more comfortable to read :P

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