Comments : Until It Rains Again

  • 12 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    This is really wonderful I thought. The only thing I noticed were all those periods. That causes the reader to full stop after each line, which slows down the reader but almost too much. This coming from the sites worst punctuator doesn't say much but I think commas would be better in lots of those places or none at all in some of them.

    I enjoyed the content of this piece. Here are my favorite lines:

    My inner child cries.
    Screaming in silence.
    Unheard by this world.
    Only nature responds.
    Responds with solemn cries.
    She feels the manifestation.
    So she fuses her cries with mine.

    Bravo and welcome to P&Q.

    Lostlove

    • 12 years ago

      by Joarz

      Thank you so much lostlove. I am overwhelmed. Being an amateur, getting such praise is really something to me. I appreciate your judgement. As I am new to this field your veiws will help me to be a better writer. I will remember all you pointed out and make sure I'll do better next time. Keep suggesting me. And I'll keep evolving. Thank you once again..

  • 12 years ago

    by BLBrown

    What a wonderful writing. It is so brave, opening oneself to the "inner child," as you say and have done here. I love these lines:

    She feels the manifestation.
    So she fuses her cries with mine.

    I never really thought about "fusing" the past with the present. That's clever!

    I have a lot of childhood pain which I've dealt with in various ways, so this really spoke to me. I pour those memories down on the page...let them rain.

    Nice job!

  • 12 years ago

    by Hellon

    You have a lot of good sentences here but..that's all they are right now...sentences. Get rid of the periods after each line...mix the sentences around a little and you will come up with a much better poem IMO for example...

    Drizzling rain.
    Standing here on my Terrace.
    Minute droplets showering upon my face
    -------------
    Standing here on my terrace
    in the drizzling rain
    minute droplets shower my face

    I'd say..work on this some more...I'll come back to it...

  • 12 years ago

    by Darren

    Some great descriptive writing going on here Joarz, I love the contradiction with minute droplets and showering, doesn't make too much sense but works!!

    I would just delete every full stop you have here to help with the flow.

    So? When are we going to see more of your poetry? You write very well.
    regards

  • 12 years ago

    by aanika R I P

    This is a totally WOW!! I'm speechless the flow amazing, feelings pouring out like anything could simply feel the intensity of the very moment expressed in your write... hearty 5/5 :)

  • 12 years ago

    by Mams

    Awesome lines..
    'Shee feels the manifestation
    so she fuses her cries with mine'
    just loved this line.. really a heart touching poem