Castle in the Air

by Poet on the Piano   Aug 4, 2012


Each day the delineation of a sultan tailgates
her; is a prince what she was supposed to
succeed in?

You can't say that girl has found her sound systems
of happiness yet- not even when a callow throat
goes under trial, to keep breathing.

That girl;
The one who will cry her soul out the day she can look
in the mirror, and say that "this is me", not the person she kept
rearranging inside of her-
she isn't a clothes hanger to suffocate nor a drawer
to keep closed up.

She needs to be unsealed,
told that black doesn't suit her, never did, not even
when she was so visible in it's pouring rain effect.

Did she do anything wrong? Not in the sides of the sea,
nor in the webs of a shadowy satin teardrop from more than
tired eyes.
It was never her that deserved suffering, but suffering
changed how she lived, showed her just because
the innocent sky is pulsating,

it doesn't mean there won't be monsoons drafting ways
to acclaim she's unworthy.

For you are her- hungering after the coast breeze,
for its hands to carry you ingloriously home,
the place you may have thought dreams could never
shine.

But you're that girl, the one who doesn't succumb
when crowns become nails and roses become thorns
that used to bear your name satisfactorily.

You're this kind of girl- choosing life because it screams
BELLOWS out courage, letting pain leave marks in puddles
you don't cleanse yourself with anymore.
Just because you might always have the scars, it doesn't mean
that death is more preferable, simple, accessible.

The desire to live is knowing love is not below you or
circling an inch from your veins, it's in you.
And you have a place in that castle, in the air
borne especially for backbone,
a stoutheartedness to prevail from memories
spent too many times rounding stars 'neath
alabastrine stones.

You lead those who can
either kiss the stones at your feet, or spread them
far and wide, knowing they may have shaped you

but they didn't interpret you.

Only you can catch faith and be the sun-burned
girl who takes strides and never lets her skin
be ready for

untruth.

*Critique more than welcomed....thanks for reading!
Written July 29, 2012.

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  • 12 years ago

    by The Poet Behind The Poems

    This made me think all the wat through to me it seemed a lot deeper then the surface words I loved the tittle drew me in ... I'm not one for long poems but I would stop reading it was so beautiful

    The desire to live is knowing love is not below you

    This really stood out to me ...

    I think this was a stunning piece 5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    Castles in the air.. an idiom for dreams or plans or hopes that have very little or no chances of happening. I honestly was quite skeptical when I read the title. I thought this would be burdened with fairytale-like imagery and language. But I'm glad I read this.

    Okay, critique. I'll see what I can do.

    "Each day the delineation of a sultan tailgates
    her; is a prince what she was supposed to
    succeed in?"

    I love reading your poems, MaryAnne. It's filled with crisp language and it makes me think.
    'Delineation' is such a beautiful word, it's more specific than 'drawing', it emphasises that this drawing is quite crude or perhaps unfinished. I like how you did not repeat 'sultan' and used 'prince' instead.
    'Tailgates' means driving too close. I think you mean disturbs here or something in that line. A drawing of a prince disturbs her and she thinks about her future perhaps. This is making me think. lovely.

    "You can't say that girl has found her sound
    systems
    of happiness yet- not even when a callow
    throat
    goes under trial, to keep breathing."

    I like 'sound systems' as it is unexpected and it adds a sort of modern atmosphere to this piece.

    "she isn't a clothes hanger to suffocate nor a drawer
    to keep closed up."

    I don't know how you could suffocate a clothes hanger..
    I'm also unsure of 'closed up'. Perhaps 'locked up'?

    "She needs to be unsealed,
    told that black doesn't suit her, never did,
    not even
    when she was so visible in it's pouring rain
    effect."

    I like this. Black can be a metaphor for a lot of things; things that burden, overshadow..
    Not sure about 'rain effect'. I think you could remove effect? Or I'm too ignorant lol.

    "You're this kind of girl- choosing life
    because it screams
    BELLOWS out courage, letting pain leave
    marks in puddles
    you don't cleanse yourself with anymore."

    A comma after 'screams'?

    "The desire to live is knowing love is not
    below you or
    circling an inch from your veins, it's in you."

    I like this. Nothing to comment critically but perhaps play with the format a bit here? I think it could have a greater impact because of how you worded this.

    "And you have a place in that castle, in the
    air
    borne especially for backbone,
    a stoutheartedness to prevail from
    memories
    spent too many times rounding stars 'neath
    alabastrine stones."

    Quite uncertain about 'stoutheartedness' as it stands out too much. I like alabastrine though and the echo of the title here.

    "You are the one who leads, the one who can
    either kiss the stones at your feet, or spread
    them
    far and wide, knowing they may have shaped
    you

    but they didn't interpret you."

    This is one of my favorite stanzas in the poem. Just a thought: the first line can be shortened and just might be stronger if lessened.
    "You lead those who can.."
    But just a suggestion.

    "Only you, can catch faith and be the sun-
    burned
    girl who takes strides and never lets her skin
    be ready for

    untruth."

    I don't think you need the comma after 'you'. Perhaps you could just add a line break instead?
    Beautiful ending though.

    I read this piece thinking the whole time the persona (you) were speaking, or rather, reassuring yourself. It has that peaceful, and calm yet firm tone. It's beautiful. Keep writing. Was a pleasure reading this :)

    • 12 years ago

      by Poet on the Piano

      Thanks so much Xanthe! I just saw this and was about to praise it but Noura already did, thank goodness :) Made a few edits like you said, took out the comma at the end and changed one line to "You lead those who can"....Still reworking some parts, thank you hugely for the critique XD