Comments : Abandoned

  • 12 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Daughter to father
    Where are you now
    I hope all my tears of disappoint
    Haven't let you down
    Are you still even breathing
    Is your heart even making a sound
    Or are you out there somewhere"

    Third line: "disappoint" should be "disappointment"
    Make sure to incorporate pauses and put commas where you take a breath or start a new thought.

    This feeling of disappointment and abandonment is strong here, I'm sorry if you really do feel this way....a father-daughter relationship takes time to build, but it's a wondrous thing when you can both see the difference and love each other.

    "Yesterday, I wore your big T-shirt
    And the baggy jeans you left in the attic
    I cried a little before writing in my journal
    About the good times that never lasted
    I wait at the door hoping you'd walk through it
    But I guess your heart is made of plastic
    Are you out there somewhere"

    Wow, I wasn't expecting this...that image of you wearing the clothes he wore. It's really sad and I can't imagine the confusion and pain. It's like you remember him and are trying to but he is not making the effort. The theme of waiting is very apparent here...

    "At first, I was so angry
    After all you've put me through
    But the heart does mend
    After being broken over and over again
    A part of me wishes you're gone forever
    But the truth is, I still love you"

    This was so touching...there was such wisdom in it too! With time, I believe to that the heart can mend, learn to forgive and still always have a place for love.

    "Yeah, I know, stupid of me
    How can I still be so naive
    How can I still be daddy's little girl
    Without a daddy
    Did you ever love me
    Did I ever even matter at all
    Where are you now, father
    Are you out there somewhere"

    I liked the repetition of "are you out there somewhere"....I felt like it echoed throughout this piece. I think daughters, no matter what may happen, will always have that special place in a father's heart where they were his little girl, precious and the very definition of love.

    My main suggestion here would be to add punctuation, especially at the end to make sure to include the question mark's. But otherwise I love the structure of the stanzas and how you express your thoughts honestly and straight from the heart. Take care.