Captured

Rebuking demonic spirits has never spewed from my mouth,
but tonight, I cast out the torturous enemies
that are camping on these hindered shoulders of mine.

^^ An intense and captivating opening stanza! A great use a imagery here and a perfect arrangement of words.

My ears are not a prison for your darkened whispers.
My mind is not a playground for your evil laughter.

^^ My favourite stanza! I can just picture the "Hollywood" stereotype of demons sitting on your shoulder whispering cruel thoughts into your ears and their evil laughter.
Also, here you are fighting back; basically NO! This won't do; it's not where you belong and I won't take it. I won't be having any of it. I won't be corrupted or captured.

These sheets have become a personalized straight jacket
as my arms are securely fastened to my burdened chest.
You watch me struggle and spit drools from your lips,
because this battle I'm losing has become your amusement
and you're hungry for an abandoned life.

^^ The first line of this leads me to believe that this is a nightmare.. like not a waking nightmare, but an actual one. 'hungry for an abandoned life' - this line is amazing! So dark and intense, it conjures up so many images.

My heart is not a sponge to sink your piercing teeth into.
My soul is not that oppressed for you to want to reap.

^^ I love the relation of 'sponge' and 'heart' - it could somewhat be described as that - fragile, yet firm and absorbent of emotions. 'my soul is not that oppressed' - sounds as though you are bargaining with the devil; like you're saying, why would you want me?

However, tonight you are winning, and my scream
has been choked by the violation of my privacy
Your viscous acts have captured my every movement
and I'm smothered with your vile gratification

^^ a fantastic and powerful ending. Again, your choice and arrangement of words is flawless.

Critiques;
Well there are none. It's perfect as it is.

Overall;
WOW!!! This is probably the best dark poem I have read. I loved it. The intensity, the expression, the word choice.... the list could go on. It was fantastic!

Write more! 5/5

I agree with Ben. You should definitely write more dark poems, this is awesome.

When I first read this, I was picturing a demonic possession but it may also be about an abusive relationship and the trauma it caused afterwards.

First stanza: I thought it was a great start as it easily pulls the reader in. It shows that the persona is fighting and is determined to win.

Second stanza: probably my favorite part. There are so many lines and phrases here that I love but I think this stood out the most to me. Nothing really to comment here; just wanted to tell you I loveeee this stanza.

Third stanza: straitjacket?
Third line: from -- on ? But if this is a possession of some sort, then it works.

Fourth stanza: I thought it was an odd image - sinking one's teeth into a sponge. It can be replaced with something easier to picture, perhaps? A food. An apple?
Just a thought.

Last stanza: Very well-penned. It shows the persona in fighting yet it seems too late, or this force is much too powerful.
Viscous --- vicious?

Brilliant, Chelsey. Can't wait to read more. :)

OMG! Chelsey, this is a masterpiece...
I am officially spooked, This is creepy and dark and just sooo good, its more than good,
I LOVE IT

WOW
Great work,

xxxxx

Ohhh Chels, I was also encouraged to write my first dark, I was not confident that I can do it but Rabea encouraged me to do it. Thanks Rab <3

Ok......"i dont write dark"......"i cant write dark"......HELLO WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!

Im going straight into this sucker.....

Rebuking demonic spirits has never spewed from my mouth,
but tonight, I cast out the torturous enemies
that are camping on these hindered shoulders of mine.

Ok so up here.....great opening, i love this......kinda like "i kept this in and now im letting this loose" in the darkest way i can, also, "hindered shoulders of mine".....awesome way of describing "oppressed" loved it :-)

My ears are not a prison for your darkened whispers.
My mind is not a playground for your evil laughter.

And here, like a rebellion towards the one who's attempting to cause the grief.......this shows great strength in the face of evil and i like how you tell them directly that your not playing their game....

These sheets have become a personalized straight jacket
as my arms are securely fastened to my burdened chest.
You watch me struggle and spit drools from your lips,
because this battle I'm losing has become your amusement
and you're hungry for an abandoned life.

And here OMG @_@!!!!!!!!!!
What can i say about this! Just read it aloud! Such a powerful stanza and sooo dark, the phrasing and word choice were just incredible, the darker side of me loves "straight jacket", "burdened chest", "abandoned life" .....this gave me shivers!

My heart is not a sponge to sink your piercing teeth into.
My soul is not that oppressed for you to want to reap.

Again here the rebellion is awesooome, i love the change of getting beaten down and then fighting back it gives the sense of a struggle and pulls me right into it !!

However, tonight you are winning, and my scream
has been choked by the violation of my privacy
Your viscous acts have captured my every movement
and I'm smothered with your vile gratification

This last stanza....just "quality" ;-)

The language you use in this piece is outstanding, i know you have a great vocabulary but this is just something else.

Deliciously dark and creepy and i love it, im so so pleased to see a dark piece from you Chels, i know it's not your bag but i love how you test yourself by writing outside of your comfort zone and just smash it to pieces!!!!

Awesome write, perfect flow and use of language and just amazing :-)))