Dismay

My love, my love
Upon the silver platter,
I've bequeath you my heart.

- excellent opening! the word bequeath is never used so it makes you jump into the poem with excitement that this poem will be unique! Well done.

Seen through mine eyes,
The heart which offered to thou
lies beating faintly,
Faintly,
ever softer.

- i liked the older choice of language which again is very rare these days but still a pleasure when we come accross them.

Alone, trembling,
cold in my ghastly fears--
Ah, thou doth depart.
Mine qualm confirmed.

- great ending, this poem was so unique, it is the oldest language I have read in a poem for quite some time. i enjoyed it, I think this tone along with your word choice worked very wwell and balanced it to be a perfect write. Well done.

It has a very sudden ending, this is a piece that speaks narratively rather than through a sequence of metaphor(at least to me anyway). this being the case i think it could stand to be a little longer but im not really sure what you would add to it. i think its definitely a good start, and it has very good potential.