Poem letter to my first love

When i first saw you i was shy....
because it's my first time, to be introduced to a foreign guy.
Even it's your first time to meet me,still you're so friendly.
You told me lot of things about you
And gave me your e-mail address too.

But you are really such a nice guy
Tall, handsome and with brown eyes
And I can't deny
You had really caught my eye.

The second time we met, I just can't forget
That time I had a stye on my eye
For that I am shy to go out and say hi.
I told you I look funny, but you told me not to worry
Because you also have a wound, just to make me feel comfortably.

I always notice that everytime you see me,
your eyes are so happy
Seems those eyes have something that want to tell me.

The 4th time we met
You sang a song that is familiar
Which the lyrics has meaning that is so special.
When you were singing the song, iam smiling
Because your voice seems shaking.
But I still like the way you sang it,
because seems like you really meant it.

The 5th and last time we met, the most I can't forget
It Was New year's eve at your house at Goldridge
You asked me if I could stay, I told you to ask my Mom if its okay
My Mom gave her permission, so i accepted your invitation.
But I am really so shy, the reason I don't know why.

We went to the pool with your younger brother,
I told you I don't have anything to wear
So you lend me your sister's swimwear
I was just in a corner, and you started to wander
I don't know how to swim, so you just jive in
And told me you'll teach me, so I felt very happy
I was surprised before teaching me, you asked my consent before holding my body
That gesture really impressed me, because I can see you do respect me.

You always see to it that I am okay,
doing it in a thoughtful way
Always asking me if I need anything,
and always trying to give something
Asked me if I am hungry,
and even made a "special sandwich" for me.

With you I don't need to pretend, just the real me
We went together outside, just walk and talk until midnight.
We shared some of our dreams and what house we both like.
And wait until the fireworks showed up,
We enjoy looking at the fireworks together,
and i just noticed and felt that you gently covered my ears,
when the fireworks got loud, and for that I felt happy inside.

After walking around, we decided to go inside.
We ate dinner and afterwards watched movie together.
And told you I like the movie " A walked to remember".
You took my pillow, so my head accidentally bumped on the floor.
So in revenge, I decided to lie my head on your chest,
And you just let it there rest.

I don't know but i almost cry,
because just few hours and you need to say goodbye.
You said, althou you're not sure,
but you want and will go back
and i am one of the reason for that.

When you saw me that I am lonely,
You told me "come near me."
And I was surprised, on what happened afterwards.
You hug me tight and kiss me gently on my forehead,
That gesture I just let, and that scene I will never regret.
And memories of it will be forever be kept.

After You left and then I slept,
And when I woke up I felt
My pillow was wet,
I remember that night I wept
Because you have just left
But you had a promised to me that I kept
So things became easy to accept.

You promised you'll email me and always communicate
which YOU did and iam thankful for it!
You also call me by phone for an hour or two,
i enjoy talking to you,even sometimes i ran of english,
but i can feel that you also enjoy talking to me too.

I used to think is it really just normal
For a guy friend to treat me so special?,

All the gestures you did,
Sometimes I can't believe
Thinking if all of that has a meaning
And It was really so confusing.
My friends says it couldn't just be nothing
Because they are sure there's really something.
And iam special to you in a certain thing.

And I also discovered one thing,
When I started to do day dreaming
and thinking you made me smiling
for that am sure my my heart is saying
that I am starting to like you
and to you I am falling.

From January to March
Our communication was alright
You e-mail me consistently
And always wrote long messages for me.
On valentines day, we joke to be each other's date.
And also send songs that have lyrics's meaning is confusing.

When April comes, your e-mails become seldom
I was so worry and felt sad, so I made a story
About that I am falling inlove with a friend and told you his too busy.
You were to explain
And asked me if you are the guy iam telling
But because I felt ashamed so I said "Don't Worry It's not you iam pertaining".
So you just keep quite and change the topic.
From then on our communication become infrequently.

From June up to September
I didn't hear from you whatever
I had an email from you by October
And said your going here by January or maybe by December.
But you didn't say anything
So I was expecting it will be just the same thing.

meeting you was fate
being your friend is my choice
but loving you was beyond my control

you are not my first boyfriend, but you are my first love...

when i learnt that you're going back after a year,
iam so excited to see you once again,
waiting to see you again,
and see the the smiles in your eyes that i've noticed everytime you look at me.

We met after a week after you arrived
Because I was in the province that time
I was so excited to see you
I thought I will still meet the same you
The same smile in your eyes was no more there
Althou you are happy to see me too.

Day by day
but i've noticed you've change..
you act like a stranger to me,
You ignored my text messages,

there's something wrong on you that i can't explain..
i used to find the answer...
but not knowing that one day
i will know the answer in a most heartbreaking way....

while where inline waiting to take our last ride, in an amusement park,
i thought the old you were back,
but with just a snap
my world was been ragged.

while we were talking and laughing, talking about the days,
i've learnt that you already have a girlfriend,
at first i thought it's a joke, but you said its for real,
when those words sunk into my mind ...
i felt that heaven and earth fell down on me...
i can't move, nor even say anywords,
just like very very cold water was pour down on me.
i can't cry because he might see,
but i really almost fainted keeping the pain inside of me.

On our way home
I cried secretly
And even my tears flow on your shirt
And just ignored me.

i was really confused and lots of questions lingers in my mind,
i want to know the answers,i can help the pain inside.

i've learnt that you really had a feelings for me,
but because the girl is near and iam thousand of miles away,
And you said you need to keep distance on me
Because your girl was intimadated by me.

I told you "she is so lucky, because the man I love loves her"
But you said " You are wrong, because there isn't still love between you and her,
You just want to be loyal to her".

It hurts me more knowing that you loved me
But you easily just let go of me
Not even trying or fighting
On what you felt towards me.

I used to hate your girlfriend
And don't want to make friends with her
That's why I made an alibi not to make it to meet her.
Because I felt she took you from me
Even thou she knew what you felt towards me.

But I can see that your really loyal to her
And thought you were happy with her
So I decided just to forget you
And just let her to owned you
And be happy for the both of you

To be continued.......

When I learnt you were engaged
I thought to myself, you were really serious with her
So I decided to say to you that I am really okay
I told you that I am happy for the both of you
And that I had the courage to tore you e-mails too
And decided to stick on my mind that I had really get over you .

I made myself believe that I do really forgot you
Because I also tried to like and love other guy too

When I saw you again
I was surprised when I learnt
That all the feelings came back
And found out that you are still I truly love.

Seven years had passed since I first met you
I thought i have forgotten you
but i was surprised to found out
that i still do love you.

I don't know what to do, because that I always tell you I really get over you
And that I am really very happy for the both of you
I am afraid you'll get angry if I let you know what I felt inside me
But I was confused of what you were showing and telling me
Seems you were still not ready to get married.

I used to fake my smiles
Used to hide my feelings and tell lies

I want to tell you that I still love you
I attempted many times to tell it to you
Everytime to tell a joke about your wedding
I can feel that you don't love her that deeply
Because your gestures show it to me

But my conscience say, I should not do
Because its not right and I should not ruin someone's life
My mind is battling with my heart
And it's really very hard
To keep the feelings deep inside.

The day before your wedding
It's my last chance to tell you
But I haven't had the chance
for the last time to talk with you
Because After we made sushi
And eat lunch with your family
You became so busy
And forgot to talk with me

But before that while eating lunch
You made a joke that you won't attend your wedding
And your dad says "if you want to back out,he's just at your back"
That gestures really confuses me, do you really want to getmarried.

I went outside your house and sat on the bench under the tree
I am waiting for you to go outside
Because I will ask you a question
If you're really sure of your decision
Because if not, I will really won't have any hesitation
To tell you my intuition

I went to your garage,
And wait till you go outside
Before you take the ride
Iam planning to tell you what I felt inside
But you hurrying up
And what I can just do is just cry and tell you goodbye.

Now I can't do anything to cease your wedding
Because I let the chance for the last time,

On your wedding day, I still plan to make a way
But you came late and with the bride ahead
When I saw your bride walking down the aisle
I felt the pain deep inside, I can no longer stay
I saw her smiles and she's so happy
That that scene really makes me feel so lonely

I can't hold my emotion, and I started to cry,
While seeing the both of you walking down the aisle
Reality started to sink, this is real and I can't deny.
That you will be forever hers and I can do nothing but to cry.

Sorry if I didn't tell you what I felt
Sorry if I lied
And told you iam happy for the both of you
While the truth is iam hurting deep inside.