Comments : Cosmic Latte

  • 12 years ago

    by Xanthe

    Coffee <3 lol. Will be back, Hannah. I love this; the idea, your diction, coffee :)
    typo: post -- past

    ----

    "Usually I loathe the taste of coffee,
    but today I need caffeine to get me through
    this journey."

    This immediately gives the reader a sense of character from the persona. It shows change; it's not routine. It's explicitly told that the persona is doing this because she 'needs' it, I'm sure a lot of us have experienced that. But what makes the reader curious is 'this journey'. What journey is this? Has it been went through by the persona before or is this the first time? Good start.

    "Two pumps mocha, one shot caramel,
    maybe that will override the bitterness,
    I wish that was all I had to do to cure yours."

    I'd change the comma after bitterness with a period or a semi-colon. This is filled with a touch of hopelessness and this made me wonder why this was placed in this category. It's quite sad.

    "I'm traveling across galaxies today,
    strolling past the Milky Way,
    bouncing across constellations,
    a quick pit stop at the Little Dipper for a
    refill,
    and finally,
    straight into your alien arms."

    I like the references to heavenly bodies; it easily connects with the title given for the challenge. It's really great, and I'm getting disappointed you weren't able to send this in on time. :/
    I think you need to change the comma after today to a semi-colon as what follows is a different idea. And I'd change the comma after constellations to a hyphen or a full stop. Just a thought.

    "espite the odds,
    maybe an Aquarius and Pisces can work.
    Can we put our differences aside
    and erase our past departure?"

    I don't get the past departure part lol. An article before Pisces would work better because it is separate from Aquarius, right?

    "We can build a new life on Mars,
    create a home out of crimson sand and
    fallen stars,
    pretendingthat our past life never existed."

    I like this one. The indirect description of Mars worked rather well. I like crimson sand but fallen stars is a bit too ordinary, I think.

    "fterall,
    Starbucks has nothing on this Cosmic Latte,
    just like no one else compared to you."

    I don't know why I find this a bit humorous. May not be your intention and it's just me again, aha. But the Starbucks part was quite unexpected to me. Really beautiful write. Keep it up.

  • 12 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    I am so gutted for you that this never got posted, it is great!

    I am in awe of your ideas that you come up with,

    I'm traveling across galaxies today,
    strolling past the Milky Way,
    bouncing across constellations,
    a quick pit stop at the Little Dipper for a refill,
    and finally,
    straight into your alien arms.

    - this was just brilliant, it reminded me in an odd way of being in the sweet aisle in the super market with all the milky ways and galaxys lol.

    As for the real meaning fo your poem, I thought you created it well and held the attention of the reader right through to see how it ended.

    I think the same as Xanthe, post should be past?

    Also, I think maybe captured should be captures, because you have been talking in a present tense and captured is past tense?

    Another amazing piece from you and very creative job from your title prompt, well done! xx

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    We can build a new life on Mars,
    create a home out of crimson sand and fallen stars,
    pretending that our past life never existed.

    ^ WOW

  • 12 years ago

    by Thomas

    Very nice poem with a good use of the galaxy and coffee :P

    Bitterness is hard to overcome with just a cup of coffee but it's a start ;)

  • 12 years ago

    by Meme

    This was a winner in my book the first time I read it!
    You know how much I love coffee, and I have wriiten a lot of poems with coffee similie but this one just smashed them all!

    Cosmic Latte? Give me sommmmmmmeeeee!!!

    "Usually I loathe the taste of coffee,
    but today I need caffeine to get me through this journey. "
    ^^
    a lot of people who dont drink coffee for its taste actually drink it for its effect of caffeine o. Them, so this openning was just perfectly said!

    "Two pumps mocha, one shot caramel,
    maybe that will override the bitterness;
    I wish that was all I had to do to cure yours. "
    ^^
    adding much sugar to overcome the butterness you feel inside! OMG, the though of it is genius!

    "I'm traveling across galaxies today;
    strolling past the Milky Way,
    bouncing across constellations -
    a quick pit stop at the Little Dipper for a refill,
    and finally,
    straight into your alien arms. "
    ^^
    no we are going to the oueter space, I love the images I see in here. It somehow reminded me of Katty Perry music video "E.T" Amaaaaaaing..

    "Afterall,

    Starbucks has nothing on this Cosmic Latte,
    just like no one else compared to you. "
    ^^
    hahaha, I actully was waiting for you to mention starbucks I dont know why I knew it has to be somewhere in this poem. You ended it so strong, sharp, and straight forward with your no comparison ideas. Kinda like a double shot of Espresso!!

    Straight to my favs <333

  • 12 years ago

    by Ole Carsten

    A cosmic latte, I don't believe in Mars Latte, according to the pictures from there, but who knows maybe they are drinking some
    Mars hot rock coffey?
    your poem is very nice I like it'br'Ole

  • 12 years ago

    by yogi73

    What a fun poem! and I love that you choose to write about coffee!!! I LOVE COFFEE. I wrote a poem, JavaGoose, also about coffee. I enjoyed the jouney of this poem. I felt like I experienced the whole galaxy over some hot java!

  • Usually I loathe the taste of coffee,
    ^^
    So do I - don't know how people can drink the stuff.

    but today I need caffeine to get me through this journey.
    ^^
    An interesting beginning - makes the reader wonder what this journey could be, but also gives the reader a sense that it is either (or both) long and arduous.

    Two pumps mocha, one shot caramel,
    maybe that will override the bitterness;
    I wish that was all I had to do to cure yours.
    ^^
    I LOVE this - if only a dash of sweetness could be given to some people to make them more bearable to be around. I also love the explanation of the coffee - it is decriptive and a nice touch.

    I'm traveling across galaxies today;
    strolling past the Milky Way,
    bouncing across constellations -
    a quick pit stop at the Little Dipper for a refill,
    and finally,
    straight into your alien arms.
    ^^
    I love the incorporation of all things 'space' lol. You have cleverly and flawlessly incorporated each into the piece. Particularly love the statement: 'bouncing across constellations' -- that gave me some hilarious images. lol. Even the 'alien arms' comment is really fitting, though I don't believe you are describing an actual alien but rather a stranger's arms - like perhaps you no longer know this person who is embracing you because they've changed so much, perhaps too much.

    Despite the odds,
    maybe an Aquarius and a Pisces can work.
    Can we put our differences aside
    and erase our past departure?

    ^^
    Love the incorporation of the star-signs too -continues with that 'space' theme whilst also describing the love affair between you and another. Beautiful work.

    We can build a new life on Mars,
    create a home out of crimson sand and fallen stars,
    pretending that our past life never existed.

    ^^
    LOVE LOVE LOVE! Enough said, I think.

    Afterall,
    Starbucks has nothing on this Cosmic Latte,
    just like no one else compared to you.
    ^^
    Flawless ending - bringing the coffee, the space them and the love between two all together in a perfect ending.

    Overall;
    WOW! I love this poem. It is realy rather unique and I love the incorporation of coffee and the space theme into a love poem which was incredibly clever. Never would have thought three almost opposites to work so fantastic together.

    This one is going on my favourites list. WOW

  • 12 years ago

    by Amreen

    Lovely piece... Something different and to compare your love to coffee is brilliantly creative... Amazing gal... I loved the stanza 1 and 2 giving so much of a coffee time feel.. and just beautiful(: